Didn't really sleep just kinda laid there dazed in "the grey land" for a few hours kinda like I would when I was doing opiates, minus the swim of euphoria throughout my body. Right now I feel like I would after the high wore off minus the cravings. Soulless. The little bit of the God force that was in me has abandoned me yet again. Logically I know He'll come back, but it just feels like this vast emptiness will stay permanently. I seem to feel empty a lot of the time. Maybe I just need to meditate more.

I have therapy today. I'm going to tell her I have no clue wtf happened on July 6th. Well, I know what I did... I just don't know why or how I feel about it

They're only giving me a week's worth of valium at a time and I dumped my stash so I'm safe.

Tempted to stop my meds. They cold-turkeyed me off Lamictal in the hospital because everyone kept telling them I wasn't taking the meds so they're convinced I'm not taking them so why should I bother if no one believes me or sees any improvement when I do take them consistently? Maybe I'm not even schizo. It's possible I just have the capability to shift to different universes and sometimes they overlap. I've been to realities where all it is is Hell and God is but a slave to
all the sinners. I've been to realities where I am the supreme being of nothing, which is even more powerful than the supreme being of all because there's more nothing than there is everything.

But these meds. I guess Haldol has helped a lot with my anger outbursts, but I feel like that should've been dealt with in therapy rather than just sedated out of my system. Those outbursts were more emotional flashbacks than anything. I still get them, I just can put a brake between "feeling" and "reaction" now.

This summer is the opposite of last year. Last year was drought stricken. This year we're in a flash flood warning every other day it seems. I was crazy last year. Blackouts. Using meth without even knowing I did. Delusions of kidnapping and sex trafficking. Demons. Days and days and days without sleeping. I have dreams of my father setting my cats on fire. I hope there hasn't been any incidents at his house.