I can relate, Muddy. I was the same way when I was drinking. I knew beer was contributing to my downward spiral, but didn't really want to quit...it's easy accept chaos when we're active in our use. All I can share (I'm sounding like a broken record) is "it takes what it takes." I was almost literally at the gates of hell at the end of my addiction. I chose to seek help. No one forced or guilted me into stopping. Having been in AA for 20 years, I've known my share of people whose lives were snuffed out by their addiction. Death forced them to stop using. Please seek some kind of safety net before addiction really kicks you in the backside. You're obviously an intelligent and articulate woman. The world would be a less kind and informed space without you...whether you believe it, or not.