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Originally Posted by MuddyBoots
Didn't really sleep just kinda laid there dazed in "the grey land" for a few hours kinda like I would when I was doing opiates, minus the swim of euphoria throughout my body. Right now I feel like I would after the high wore off minus the cravings. Soulless. The little bit of the God force that was in me has abandoned me yet again. Logically I know He'll come back, but it just feels like this vast emptiness will stay permanently. I seem to feel empty a lot of the time. Maybe I just need to meditate more.
I have therapy today. I'm going to tell her I have no clue wtf happened on July 6th. Well, I know what I did...
I just don't know why or how I feel about it
They're only giving me a week's worth of valium at a time and I dumped my stash so I'm safe.
Tempted to stop my meds. They cold-turkeyed me off Lamictal in the hospital because everyone kept telling them I wasn't taking the meds so they're convinced I'm not taking them so why should I bother if no one believes me or sees any improvement when I do take them consistently? Maybe I'm not even schizo. It's possible I just have the capability to shift to different universes and sometimes they overlap. I've been to realities where all it is is Hell and God is but a slave to
all the sinners. I've been to realities where I am the supreme being of nothing, which is even more powerful than the supreme being of all because there's more nothing than there is everything.
But these meds. I guess Haldol has helped a lot with my anger outbursts, but I feel like that should've been dealt with in therapy rather than just sedated out of my system. Those outbursts were more emotional flashbacks than anything. I still get them, I just can put a brake between "feeling" and "reaction" now.
This summer is the opposite of last year. Last year was drought stricken. This year we're in a flash flood warning every other day it seems. I was crazy last year. Blackouts. Using meth without even knowing I did. Delusions of kidnapping and sex trafficking. Demons. Days and days and days without sleeping. I have dreams of my father setting my cats on fire. I hope there hasn't been any incidents at his house. |
We worry about you! If I could channel all of the love (In the universe), and give you a hug, then you'll feel that (:
Something I can say that might help: If you think about "space", it's not more nothingness (Than "matter", as space is irrelevant) - I believe that it's all "consciousness".. So "everything" IS "nothing" (Which are both God).. But to live a good, infinite life, we look to God as guiding us with love.
There really is just "Nothing" and "Love" (Underneath all the nosense/sensical things) - Those are what you'd see, if you just disappeared.. - Then pattens/reality appears.. But we're on a specific timeline, like how Eminem (Or it's just a phrase, idk) said, "God gave you those shoes, so put them on and wear them".. We're all connected (On this timeline - For however long "I" live, and however long "You" live - Like tree/forest thing). The others reading this? They care! And they want the best for all people here...
We are loving people here, no evil.. Although there is evil in all humans, and just gotta try and defeat evil.. And do good (As best as we can - Not everyone will be able to do it.. Some can give into devil temptation.. Like tree fruit, redeem themselves, be a "fallen angel" etc).. It can be nonsense if you think about this stuff too much (But I'll say more about this later);
A supreme being of nothing, would be some form of nihilism (I deal with this a lot). It used to just be "Nihilism" (When I was an atheist) - But now it's "Infinite nihilism" (Cuz I'm now a panentheist) - But it's just something that we must overcome, all in our own unique ways.. Good mental state, brain chems, loving support and to live a good life (: Many "Gen Z" kids are quite nihilistic - Why not when the planet is dying? - Mother Earth.. Has to be respected.. It's where we came from.. And corporations (That extract from the planet, to sell to people/consumers that "want" more and more, to satisfy their problems, pollute, trash and repeat - For money) - Those corporations are "entities" (Just like anything, of complex machinery - Or have souls - Divine entities).
I'm not sure what a soul is.. (People debate, but no one can really explain I don't think) - But maybe it's like a Tide Pod that contains more love than fear? As fear can .. (Hold on I'll find a Bible verse) - Here: "Do not be afraid of those who kill the body but cannot kill the soul. Instead, fear the One who can destroy both soul and body in hell." - So "Hell" is any overwhelming negative feeling/situation/environment etc.. So just growing up (In this world), I was a really fearful child.. And I denied the divine, and so then my soul was taken..
Thinking too much about all of this - Is why people need breaks... You are loved! A beautiful person.. Meditation really does help, or any other form of self care... Haldol can be good (Cuz it lowers activity of neurotransmitters, turns the electricity energy down, like dimming a light switch - Or in case with schiz? - A nuclear reactor that has a rod jammed, leaking radiation..) and Lamictal increases GABA (Relaxing neurotransmitter - Good for mania, and eases depression);
All of these meds are good, or bad.. No one can speak for them.. They're just molecules, and different for every person (Although meth can be kind of Satanic, as it's not real Godly "love", but Devilish "Lust" etc, dopamine.. No neurotransmitter has much morality - But when you flood the brain with 2000% dopamine, that seems kind of like a unique, identifiable THING, that exists..).
But the treatment teams? Psychiatry? Doctors? Nurses etc? They try to help.. Some can have bad intentions.. They are their own entity too... Like some of them can judge and say "If this heroin addict dies in our ER, it's sad - But he/she deserved it, and it was a choice" - When they could have just given some kid a prescription for hydrocodone, to live long enough to get help..
What people must do, is think their own thoughts, guided through compassion, love, empathy etc - for others (And know their own selves..).. That's why people say "The only way you can change the world is to change yourself" etc etc..
But anyways.. What I wrote might not be all correct and disorganized maybe.. But be kind to yourself, put one pearl on the string at a time.. Don't think too much! (Take breaks/give yourself times to relax...). We love you
