It's great to hear that you're getting something out of the book. It's the one book that I wish I'd found a few years earlier. Hopefully you can implement some of the ideas and change your situation for the better. Even if it doesn't change the dynamic with your dh, maybe it will at least give you a sense of better boundaries with him.

Early on, and without knowing better, I inadvertently did so many things opposite of counter PA, and made things much worse. Giving him the benefit of the doubt, believing that he was as interested in fixing things and being more cohesive, even though he wasn't making efforts in that direction- I begged, talked, consoled, cajoled, enabled, etc. and in the end, all that happened was that I lost my power in the relationship, and he doubled down on his.

That's good advice from the counselor. Hopefully she turns out to be very helpful to you. There's just something really disconnected about how they (yours and mine both) seem to think that they should be able to have their cake and eat it too. The scenarios are a little different with my dh, but the underlying message is similar- he wants what he wants, and there isn't much room for compromise. Mine, anyway, is very much like a child. One who over idealizes how certain people should cater to his whims and wants, without seeing that it's not realistic or fair, or requires some effort on his part. It's very immature thinking.

It sounds like your dh bounces around a lot too- mentally and emotionally. DD and I say that we never know who's going to walk into the room from one hour to the next- and it's true. I don't invest or engage in dh's words a whole lot because he can be so scattered. I listen with respect and compassion, register what he says, but words are just words and he can talk until he's blue in the face and nothing will ever change. Actions matter, and he's not currently someone who is able to take much initiative to do productive things- at least not with the other people in the house.

It's really good to get the update from you. It would be interesting to hear how things might change once you take a different approach, either with counter PA, or on the therapist's advice. You're doing a great job being proactive and valuing yourself!

As for how things are here… not much different. He had his medical tests about 10 days ago. I haven't been told anything, so have to assume that means they didn't find anything significant. No idea what he's getting from being so difficult to communicate with. It's sad, because any benefit to that is literally all in his head

Take care and hope that the coming week is good for you!