Thanks all, lots of points to consider here.

I have considered ending therapy with him over the whole no touch thing so many times and if still might be the right thing to do. But I know if I leave him I don’t have the energy and strength to put myself through this whole process again and try and find a new one. It was hard enough to find him, I think I would struggle to find someone who worked with my issues, has his patience and acceptance, is willing to tolerate how difficult I am and would offer touch. So I want to exhaust all options before I make that decision. I am very quick to react and be defensive and push him away, I don’t want to repeat those patterns.

In general I’ve come a long way with him, it’s just this one sticking point that is a major issue. We’ve had lots of conversations around why he won’t allow touch. He has said if he believed there was a way to do it that would keep us both safe then he would consider it. However because we can’t guarantee how I will react to it then it’s too risky. He also agreed that it was about the risk to him as a therapist as well in case I made accusations against him, which really hurt as I would never do that without a true and valid reason. It felt like he believed I would falsely accuse him.

It’s hard because I am very very touch averse usually and don’t like anyone touching me. But as I’ve come to trust him and feel safe with him, it’s really felt like something I desperately need. And denying that when he knows I am usually completely uncomfortable with it just feels even more cruel.

I like the suggestion of trying to find some somatic element that is similar to touch and that he is involved in but doesn’t actually include any touch, that might be worth exploring with him.