Oh for sure. I need to set those boundaries otherwise I will get walked all over. I suggested that my husband go to the grocery store today, the past several months I've been doing 100% of the grocery shopping and just cooking all his meals and taking care of him, and he definitely pushed back. But I do think there's something to what the therapist suggested about me not keeping the status quo if he wants to change it. It is really hard for me not to default to taking care of him but if I am definitely going to work on changing what I can and do feel comfortable with.


You are totally right, there is something very disconnected about how they want everything their way and are willing to sacrifice nothing. I was just telling the therapist that its like a teenager almost, or a toddler throwing a temper tantrum, I'm not sure which fits better. But, an adult acknowledging that a certain life-altering action is probably not right, not going to make them happy and is a bad idea but they may just have to "learn things the hard way" is something a teenager does, not an adult. There is definitely something to that and the fact that you have no idea what you are going to get. On my end, for my husband, it is a lot of uncontrolled anger that gets misdirected. This morning I was showing him some art one of my good friends just got that is so cool and his take away is "everyone else can afford nice art but us". I am not even sure that is true, but I think that shows the mindset. In that same conversation, we were chatting and he told me to "stop" speaking in a rude way so I went to leave and told me "stay here" and I said to him, that is just you in a nutshell. The vacillating back and forth is really hard.

All that to say, I find what you are saying about listening with respect and compassion but really focusing on actions not words very wise and helpful. I am going to start trying to implement that. He has made an appointment for us at the end of this week with someone one of his therapists recommended about what he calls "end of marriage" stuff. I have pressed him on what that means and he really can't say. I am definitely not looking forward to it and I feel like he is going to ambush me, that there are things that he won't say to my face because he thinks they will upset me but he feels somehow more comfortable saying them in front of a therapist. I know how hard emotional work it was to be in marriage counseling and that was when I feel like we both wanted the same end result. Now, I have no idea what he wants and so I am not looking forward to this. I do have a meeting with my therapist before that so I am hoping she will come up with a plan with me to help deal with it. I don't do too well on the spot.

I totally hear you about trying to understand what they are getting from being difficult to communicate with. Honestly, your guess is as good as mine at this point. I'm sorry that's happening for you right now and I hope that you can find some peace at home and have a great week.


S