I went to T today for my last session before his vacation and I cried - a LOT. That's the second time I've cried in therapy, ever - and last time it was more just tears rolling down my face. This time it was sobbing.

This vacation brings up SO many feelings about therapy for me. It really highlights that he's not really available to me. I mean, I do get that, but I don't really "feel" it, because when he's in town he is VERY available - he always returns my phone calls, I can e-mail him as much as I want, I can get extra appointments if I need to. I just, JUST started to feel really safe and accepting of the therapeutic relationship. It was really hard work to get to this point. And now, right when I feel this way, to have him leave - it hurts.

I sat in his office weeping and said things I NEVER thought I would say out loud - "I want you all to myself" stands out in my mind. He was understanding and compassionate. I really wanted to withdraw - to turn off my feelings, to disconnect, to not care. But he encouraged me to go ahead and feel the sadness, and the connection, and the caring.

About 20 minutes before the end of session he came and sat on the other end of the couch. And then he reached out his hand for mine and held my hand. We talked some more, and I rested my head on the folded blanket on the back of the couch, and listened to his voice, and just wanted to drift off to sleep. I felt so tired, and safe.

He asked if I could feel sad, but still feel connected, and I realized it's one of those gray areas. It's not - he's leaving, he doesn't care, this relationship is not real, I'm not going to have any feelings. It's...I'm safe, he does care, my access is limited, it makes me feel sad. A much more painful spot - but much more true, and real.

He's going to leave me a phone message to have while he's gone. I'm going to miss him.