Maybe I look physically different than how people IRL see me - And my perception of myself doesn't match how others view me in the objective world - So it's just tree without a forest (Solipsism). Maybe I just look like a freak. And the lack of facial expressions doesn't help.

This is how it was (In high school) - I imagined myself achieving things, but not actually doing them - Cuz it's too much stress to concentrate, and be told to do things/participate, when I didn't see the reason for it. It's a common problem.. And the same with my current job.. Idk why people compliment my look.. Imagine if I looked ugly, how badly people would treat me - Or the way that people always have a shadow, and try to be something else to mask the reality of things that have made them uncomfortable/painful during their upbringing etc.

But I wonder how it really is, infinitely - Or truth. This world is compete madness it's reasons as to why everyone has such problems with each other.

It's nonsense. Complete nonsense.

And just gotta meditate, channel things through receptivity, expansion.. That's why I get high.. To mix reality up a lot... Cuz no rules or opinions matter long term.. Everything changes constantly.. There's no right or wrong it seems (Apart from just common sense, being human - That type of instinct, purely).

I am a pure soul.. I cry when I hurt anyone by hurting myself, or the world.. For not doing enough. Constant OCD thought battles, the past etc. And anyone can overcome anything. The mind is really powerful/consciousness/divine.

But it seems like I can't really connect with anyone - Or if I do feel connection, there's a problem, and I mess everything up. I won't be on my knees, obeying my mom and letting her control me, or anyone.. The government.. The Devil..