Hugs to you.

I'm so sorry again for what you are dealing with. It's mind numbing.

Do you think your dh really wants to end the marriage? Or do you think that threat is something that he's trying to use to bring you back into line with his wants? That maybe he's trying to strongarm you emotionally into a place where a divorce doesn't happen, but he gets his way too?

Dr. Ramani on YouTube has a few videos about how narcissists may regularly threaten divorce as a means of manipulation, but then be totally shocked and upset when the other person gets tired of the games and leaves.

I'm worried for you, since he seems to be playing his cards close about what he wants and what might happen at the marriage counselor. I'm not always quick on my feet in settings like that either, so understand your trepidation about how it may go. Maybe take your time, think things through, and don't let anyone pressure you into quick responses on the spot?

That's a good idea to start reminding him about responsibilities that he can participate in. That's true- if he wants to change the status quo, why cater to him? You get to hold that line as you see fit. Still, old habits die hard, and the compulsion to caretake can be pretty ingrained. A lot of the changes I've undergone and implemented have taken time, and sometimes with a few missteps along the way. Change can be difficult, so be gentle with yourself as you learn and practice new boundaries.

Oh, the negativity... That's also something I relate to. It seems like the comparison, complaining, and fault finding are just a part of the victim mindset. They can't say something nice about what someone else has, can't be happy for someone else.

One of DH's habits is that can't say anything positive about any of the neighbor's houses- no compliments on a nice lawn, or a pretty flower garden- because that would be about someone else. But if one of the neighbors is so much as missing a window screen, he'll fixate on it. It's like he goes out of his way to look for something that can be used to minimize the other person, or it's something that's somehow offensive or hurtful to him.

Yeah, try setting aside his words for a while and see what his actions tell you. It can be an interesting little experiment. Words can be very manipulative, and easy to use. Actions are harder to fake because they require an actual commitment. Think about if someone promises to show up on time, but never does- pointless promises. The only way those words matter is if they're paired with action. The action of showing up on time, without words, speaks for itself too.

As for me, I'm a little worn down at the moment. After not speaking all weekend, dh went hypomanic yesterday, which is a whole different facet to this mess. He can't/won't acknowledge the hypomania, so it goes unaddressed. His summer episodes tend to be the worst, so I'm walking on eggshells a bit at the moment…

I'll be sending prayers and positive thoughts your way all week, especially with that counseling session you have coming up. Stay strong