I think he is not able to consistently tell me or express what he wants because right now he is being lead by his depression and desperation to "escape" and he will say that at times, but then that can be countered directly by his guilt, which makes him say something else. The other hard thing for me is he is definitely someone who says things he doesn't mean or takes back and I am not. So many times I tend to take him and what he says at face value when I shouldn't. This is one of the reasons that what you said about looking at someone's actions really felt like a very good idea for me. I have already started implementing that advice and it always makes me feel better to be actively doing something so thank you.


One of the problems for me right now is I have a few good friends going through divorces so I have seen them in the nitty-gritty of it and I have no interest in it right now, especially for my kids but for me too. But, at the same time, I don't see how him seeing other people while we separate will ever lead back to us being in a happy marriage. I can't say 100% because I haven't been there yet so who really knows, but while I can handle this "angst" or whatever you call what he is going through, I can't see him actually leaving and then being able to trust him enough to come back and go from there. Why would I when he knows he can always have a way out that allows him to "have his cake and eat it too?".

I am super nervous about this appointment, it is tomorrow morning. Luckily I am seeing my therapist this afternoon, and she also specializes in marriage counseling, so I am going to come up with a plan with her which I think will make me feel better. After my H initially broke this news that he was "done" with our relationship, we had so many conversations about it but in the past few weeks we haven't spoken too much about our situation other than thinly veiled comments by him.


It is so so hard for me to stop care taking him. I'm not sure how much I will be able too, even though I completely see the validity to stopping and having my own life. My therapist suggested I just leave for a week, but I just don't feel like I am in a position to do it right now. I'm telling myself baby steps.

The negativity you described with your H sounds so similar to my situation. It is like a compliment to anyone else is a direct insult to them, isn't it? It is so hard. I don't know how to get them out of that mindset either, but the troubling thing is one of my kids (and he is 7) has started to adopt this, so maybe it is just something they are born with? As I have explained to my son, it is a very hard way to live your life if every compliment about someone else you view as an insult to you. I hope I can have some effect on him but I'm not optimistic about my H. If someone else is rich, it insults him because we aren't. If someone else has success, he views it as his failure. The only exception would be with me or our kids.

I'm sorry you are dealing with a hard episode. Do you have any idea why it is worse in the summer? There is an interesting seasonality/pattern to these kinds of things so it would be interesting to know. Also, I feel for me as the partner it is so much worse when they won't acknowledge something is wrong. Sometimes, all I want to hear is H to admit what is happening or be realistic and it seems like it would be so much easier to deal with, doesn't it? I hope that you are hanging in there and I will let you know how the counseling goes...