I'm using these forums as a place to write about my complex grief and have a space of my own where I can anonymously express whatever I feel like expressing. If anyone responds please understand you may not get a response because I'm just going through what I'm going through.

As isolated as as I feel, I also don't want to speak about my reasons for my grief to the world. As isolated as I feel I truly have no desire to reach out to anyone at all. I'm utterly exhausted. Besides that, most of the time the pain is so deep that I cannot even find the words. Rather than put myself under any pressure to find the words that I can't, I choose to remain quiet. I have a penchant for supporting everyone else but I'm no.longer doing that. I just don't have thee energy or inclination. I'm bone tired.

I go through the motions of grief. What The write about the typical grief process, yep it's all happening for me. Grief is complex no matter what type of grief I'm experiencing. I wish it was straight forward. Sometimes all the stages happening at once.

I wish that things are different but they are not. I wish that someone could just hold my pain without feeling like they need to fix it, suggest ways to deal with it, fix me,fix the situations and tell me how to deal with my pain. I just wish that would stop. It's not helpful to me. I just don't have the Energy to deal with people wanting to fix it. I truly wish people will just lete be and support me letting me be.

I'm very shut down emotionally right now. I don't care what doesn't get done or what needs to be done. There are times when I feel productive and times when I don't. There are times when I feel like smashing things to pieces and there are times when I feel like I wish someone would just hold me and let me sob without wanting to fix me or fix the situation.

No one has died but there is a death. A death of me,a death of hope, a death of what I have to try come to terms with of loss, a death of what I one day hoped for, the deaths I died a million times as a child and young adult, the pain and realisations of my severely abusive childhood and the realisation that my mother is unwell in herself.

I can't fix it and I can't fix her without falling into the abuse all over again. Boundaries can be laid but they cannot be respected by someone who isn't capable of honouring the boundaries and then getting so rageful at the co sequences of violated boundaries. I just don't have the energy for it.

Not only that but it retraumatises me to the point where I go into emotional meltdowns and get really I'll physically. I just don't have the energy to ma.sge it all.

Somewhere sits a deep sadness. The reality is I'm not safe around her. I'm not safe emotionally nor mentally. That makes me feel sad. Sad that I need to protect myself from her and sad that she doesn't even know I'm protecting myself from her.

I also have so much anger. Growing up the way I did was extremely confusing for me. On one hand and only on occassions my mother could be very nice. But oh she could turn viciously cruel.in an instant. She could say and do all the right things to make me feel somewhat safe to ask for a little help if I needed it but if I did ask for that help it would come with so much resentment for me asking and then I would be punished in some form for that. It was incredibly confusing. As a child and young adult I had no idea that this was wrong. Of course I blamed myself for her behaviour.

It too me till the age of 40 to realise I was horrifically abused as a child. So many people enabled it and even excused it. Not only was I abused horrifically by her but I was abused by my father as well. That too was enabled and often excused. I had no chance as a child to help myself or protect myself from either of them. When I say mother or father those words are incredibly hard to say because I don't regard either of them as my parents and I feel no direct relationship with them in that regard.

I cut him from my life when I was 30. I cut my mom from my life when I was 40. Cutting them from my life felt different for both of them. The grief came from loss of hope and when you have a loss of hope there is a death. I made the decision a long time ago that I do not desire to know when he has passed and I will not attend his funeral. My goodbyes got said a long time ago and I don't feel the need to go or know.

I don't talk much about any of this stuff as I grew tired of people's unsolicited and uninformed opinions. I grew tired of people that thought they had a right to tell me that therapy would be best for me. I grew tired of people telling me what to do instead of just supporting me and letting me decide what was right for me. I just grew tired of it all. I'd been controlled my entire life and did not need to be controlled anymore.

There is no justice for me. There is no sorry or care for the abuse I suffered. It feels like I paid a price that wasn't mine to pay and I'm.still paying prices.

My mother put me in the position of being a therapist, a best friend, a financial helper, someone to sit and dump all her problems on but I was also her physical and psychological.punching bag. 36 years of my life. It left me with very serious mental health issues and a lot of life problems.

Often I get those feelings return of the guilt that she may not be doing well or something has gone wrong in her life but I'm.learning why I'm feel like this and I'm.learning that it's not my problem. Be in mg bought up to believe that everything that went wrong for her was my problem and I had to fix and support her emotionally an mentally as well as fix the problems so she would be alright and finally I could be loved was put on me for 36 years. That conditioning and abuse is not easy to break.

She recently got in touch with me which I won't go.into right now but it did not end up well and opened up what I feel was retraumatising to me and it did not end up well. I'm.in.a lot of deep pain.

I have no desire to get help. I honestly just want to do me. That's a big enough job in itself.