Toxic people actually look for individuals with low self esteem because they know they can play their push and pull game of being nice and loving then being cold and aloof. This is their method of control. This is NOT love for another person, this is all about control. Often the victim unknowingly gets trained to accept this within their nervous system. It’s very common with partners of alcoholics because alcoholics notoriously have these narcissistic behavior patterns. A lot depends on where the alcoholic/addict is in terms of how much alcohol they have in their system. Unfortunately even after a person stops drinking they can still experience these mood changes and this is called dry drunk behavior.

I think that it can be helpful to you if you trace your history and find out how your low self esteem developed. Often this developed in childhood. It could be from a parent or even an older sibling.

Your wife talks a lot about healing. Well, she cannot expect others to wait around until she feels healed. That is something that may never come for her.

My concern for you is that you figure out where your own insecurities are so you don’t end up choosing another unhealthy partner.