I'm just coping.

Ok... My daughter's therapist was the one who alerted us to covert narcissism as a personality disorder that she saw on display during appointments my wife attended with our daughter. That therapist refused to gave my wife attend sessions, and told me this after we separated.

Since then, me and the kids have answered 50 question screening questionnaires for covert NPD traits in mom/spouse.

We each, separately, scored her a 47/50.

My counselor has referred me to resources, including Dr Ramini and Darren McGee. Again, the more I learn, the more the dots connect.

Yes, along with this there was the "poop cocktail" as our son called it: alcohol, SSRIs, Vyvanse, Xanax (which she had stopped taking, but had the final bottles filled and then took them periodically), messed up sleep, etc.

If she is truly a covert narcissist, then she has a weak personality, and shapes to match her source of supply. Which would be WHY I felt such profound love and connection early on.

In time, it gets harder to do. And as the source of supply (me), gets more extended and gets less in return, the narc latches onto a new supply. They don't want a deep relationship and superficial external compliments are gold. They have to justify all this in their minds.

So... In the final two years, my wife said and did more and more outrageous things , and flat denied that they happened. When the kids voiced the same things, the explanation became that I'd manipulated the kids. She entrenched herself with two shallow women who encouraged her to go on dating apps because of the constant positive attention from men she would receive. These are her "flying monkeys".

I've also found out she was regularly buying prepaid visa gift cards with groceries, gas, and regular shopping, as a way to hide what she was spending since years.

She also had financial support from man/men before and when she left.

And.... She is the only person I've ever experienced love with. The only person I ever planned a future with or adjusted my plans for. Today a friend sent me a FB post from her with her flying monkeys out at lunch. She looks absolutely incredible.

And I'm this broke, broken piece of middle aged meat that is trying NOT to mourn the loss of my wife, the woman who also callously discarded our kids.

I'm in a huge amount of pain, while always trying to tell myself it isn't that bad, others have had worse, and trying to support and validate the kids... And validate the kids without appearing to slander their mom.

I have felt like there is nothing to look forward to since years. I'm just going through the motions of life, and trying to hang on, and trying to give my kids some positivity.


So... That's it.