Thanks for checking in. I am definitely struggling today. I find that the day(s) after therapy are really difficult for me, it is like you let the floodgates out and then it is hard to cope with what was unleashed. As for our couples therapy, there are a few things she said that sort of bothered me. Based on my experience with two different couples therapists, they tend to favor my husband. And, maybe that is some technique where they feel he needs the most help so they want to be on his side? But, she said a few things one directly questioning me that I felt were a little harsh. Although, could be what I need, but said nothing of the sort to him. I do really like my personal counselor and she is very caring which is definitely what I need right now.


I actually do journal every few days, I have always found when I am going through a hard time that it is very helpful to me to get my thoughts on paper, it helps me also to organize how I think. I also keep a running list in my phone of notes to discuss with my therapist each week so I don't forget. I think apart from my husband's behavior, I struggle a lot with being able to cope with how I ended up where I am and how I don't have much control over my situation. Even three months ago, when I know my H was going through a struggle, I would have told anyone with 100% certainty that no matter what we would get through anything together. That was my entire world view and to go from that to this is a crazy shift for me that I can't get my head around. This is also part of why it is hard for me/us to live together and/or separate and have boundaries. He (like I would wager many men) has no idea how much I do for him, and I don't even mean that in a negative way, just that there are things I do without thinking. I am trying to stop doing them as best I can but it is SO HARD!


He totally puts his own needs ahead of our children. In some ways I used to admire it because it doesn't make him feel guilty the way it does when I do anything for myself. I am with you, I also never would have imagined it before we had kids and honestly I never would have imagined it even five years ago. He used to be such a wonderful and involved father and slowly I think he has given up. In a way, I do understand where he is coming from based on his upbringing that he felt like he never got a say in anything and just floated along. I just disagree with the fact that our marriage, our family and our life have to be a necessary sacrifice of that. But, I believe people can control a lot and play a big part in how they feel and he feels like a lost victim, so that is why we disagree.


About your DH, that is interesting that they automatically rule out bipolar if he doesn't have trouble sleeping. I am glad he told shared with you that he is still waiting on the test results and maybe that is causing extra stress that will be at least temporarily abated once he finds out. I sure hope so for your sake? Thanks for being on this bumpy ride with me. I hope that you have a wonderful and relaxing weekend!