I'm.sorry that you are experiencing so much grief right now. I understand the complexities, and emotional and mental turmoil. It's really hard to open up. It also can be really scary. For me it's been a defender mechanism and also because my mother always said to me do not talk to people about me. It took me a really long time and painful work to understand that she said those things because she didn't want them be called out for her behaviour towards me and she felt her own guilt and denial of the abuse. Yet, she would openly do it in front of people then get upset when called out for it which only resulted in more abuse towards me. It was because of this that I shut down and didn't open up to anyone. I lived in a constant state of fear of the consequences. Cognitively and logically I know it was abuse and it was very very very wrong. I'm still trying to heal that part of my abuse and learning when it feels safe for me to open up and when it isn't safe. It's hell. I still hear her voice some of the time when I go to talk about something. For me to really open up, I have to trust someone first. If I see signs that it would not be good for me to open up in certain cases then I keep my mouth shut. My personal life is not an open door for everyone and anyone