Hugs for you

I'm so sorry you are struggling, but that's understandable given the circumstances. Sometimes it feels like the stuff that starts coming out will never stop. Hope you might be feeling a little better today.

My dh has always been clever, fast on his feet, and a good talker (even mentally compromised he can summon it for an hour or so). That makes the idea of going to counseling with him terrifying. He has the ability to be quite manipulative, and doctors and counselors definitely favor him much of the time. Honestly, I also think there are still a lot of stereotypes that women are unstable and emotional, and men are the more rational ones- and that bias gets in the way for some of us.

Thank goodness you have your own counselor. She sounds like a good one.

He (like I would wager many men) has no idea how much I do for him, and I don't even mean that in a negative way, just that there are things I do without thinking. I am trying to stop doing them as best I can but it is SO HARD!

Oh yeah, those are us who are caretakers give without thinking too much about it, and our counterparts take like they are entitled to it, without much appreciation. I guess that's why we have to be the ones to see the lopsidedness and fix it for our own sake. Thing for me is that I'm a giver, don't mind being a giver, but also need to get some of that in return. When it's all one sided… well, you know!

Looking back before the huge shift in your DH's demeanor, do you see some red flags that go back further?

With mine, I can look back and see a lot of subtle covert and PA behaviors that look like they might have given way to bigger, more overt behaviors as time went on. There's a book titled "The Verbally Abusive Relationship" that's really good at explaining how dysfunctional, abusive relationships escalate over time. It was eye opening, especially realizing that a lot of my DH's confusing behaviors were really about his need for control. While I was trying to be cohesive and thinking we were working on getting on the same page, he actually wasn't. He was on a page all his own that benefited him and him alone, and kept him in a power position.

Your dh sounds like mine in that he externalizes so much blame. In his mind, most of his problems are rooted outside of himself and he doesn't take responsibility. The world happens to him… If you try to reason with the victim mindset, they just think they're being victimized more by your unreasonable assessment of their shortcomings

My dh got his test results back yesterday and they turned up very little aside from some relatively routine stomach troubles. That should be good news, but he's really upset. He is trying to use the stomach problem to explain away all of his issues for the past few years. I may have mentioned here before that he comes from a family that stigmatizes mental health issues, so that doesn't help him in any way. Talking to him last night was sad because he was in a frame of mind where he could admit being aware of his cognitive issues- that he can't think fast or focus like he used to. So right now I'm back in that place of wondering if it's neurological, psychological, or personality. Or all 3.

It's a sucky ride. I'm sorry you're in this boat too.

Hope you are able to enjoy some of today - I know it's hard sometimes. The longer this has gone on with dh, the better I've gotten at accepting the weirdness and working around it to not let it drag me down so much.

Do you do a lot of activities with your kids? My DD loves to do arts and crafts type things and play games. We do a lot of those things to try and stay sane.