You’re trauma bonded still. It takes time to break this addiction and habit. When you look up trauma bond, it literally creates an addiction through a change in your brain’s chemicals due to the cycle of abuse and intermittent reinforcement. I am still trauma bonded to my ex husband and it’s been four months since our divorce. I, like you, want him to turn it all around and to make things right again. But I know the reality is that the abuse cycle will only just keep repeating itself. You love a mirage of her - the person she presented herself to be in the beginning and in small glimpses. But that person is just a facade and a cover up of the abusive person underneath. So don’t let rose colored glasses fool you into abuse amnesia. You don’t love HER… you love the idea of her and the false persona she gave you.. the fantasy.