It makes for a very unhappy story that I wouldn't wish for anyone to be going through. I don't think any contributors to this thread get any gratification from hearing about someone's life being pulled apart and hearing about all the pain that goes with being in the middle of this situation. None of us have been able to offer you a step-by-step guide for how to resolve things so that you arrive at a happy conclusion. I think the breaking up of a marriage is one of the hardest things in life to experience, especially for the person who wasn't looking to have the marriage end. To spend years building a life with someone, only to be told that you're now unwanted is a horrible thing. In some ways I think it's worse than having a spouse die. I don't think there's too many things worse that being rejected by someone you've loved, whom you thought loved you.

Somehow people do manage to survive emotionally in the face of this kind of heartbreak. That's what everyone here hopes for you. It has seemed to each of us that you can be very hard on yourself . . . unfairly so. I admire that you don't want to get all bitter toward your wife and that you still see her as having her virtues. I don't doubt that she has virtues. But clear-thinking doesn't seem to be one of them, not about her relationship with you, anyway. We hear you being demonized to an extent that doesn't seem based in reality. It's important that you not buy into all of that. Building a new life is hard enough without being demoralized by an excessive load of guilt.

I don't know if your wife really even wants this divorce. She sounds pretty confused. I don't know what your next step should be. You do need to stick up for your own interests. She sounds pretty capable of looking out for her interests. There seems to be an element of head games and emotional abuse in the way your wife communicates with you. Personally, I don't find that interesting. I find it disturbing and even somewhat appalling. Right now, it must be hard for you to feel hopeful. Somehow, you will make choices and find a way forward. Hearing how you manage that would be interesting. Stories about someone finding a path through a crisis often are.