I'm trauma bonded. I know this.

Also, like I said, there were intermittent times where I felt very connected and attuned. To an incredible degree.

Me and my daughter have talked about our very short attentions to memory. Yes, I have abuse amnesia.

My kids are not talking me out of contacting her, or holding me back. In the final year we were together she really, really destroyed her relationships with the kids; "ruptured" as the therapist called it.

As such I won't violate their trust in me by reaching out to her.

This is a hell of a thing. I'm stressed AF, mourning the loss of the only person I felt I loved, wishing for those close connected times, recognizing I've essentially been played and financially wrung out for decades by someone who feels no guilt or remorse, and I'm trying to rebuild my kids and provide stability.

If she'd died I'd get a lot of support from the people around me. In some ways this is worse, and I'm weekly told to suck it up and see how much better this all is without her. I've been abused for years and I'm mourning the loss of my own life and future right now.

And... I still see her as a person! I believe in empathy and seeing the truth in people. That's a conviction. If you don't stick to convictions when it effects you, then it's not a conviction.

She is an injured, damaged, poorly emotionally developed person who possibly has brain injury from alcohol use. She's the mother of my kids and I do see her as a whole person. NOT encapsulating her into something less means I do feel empathy for her.

This is hard.