@Rose76

I really appreciate your detailed response. Its making me think about a lot of these things in vivid recollection.

Right now - i believe - she is staying angry to cement her resolve to the divorce, because my current behavior is based on loving responses.

But, I've kinda looked back and now I see some things

So, when we met, we dated and i treated her very, very well, as is typical of my behavior. I was 2 years out of a divorce that left me penniless, so it was a 100% start over thing.

We did everything together as a dating couple and we agreed not to have sex until marriage, which we felt was something we wanted to do just because.

We married 15 months later and rented a home in the mountains. It was the perfect life in every respect. My only hobby was my wife. Aside from just an absolutely stunning physical appearance, she was so incredibly sweet.

About 7 months into our marriage, we got custody of two children from our previous relationships - one mine and the other hers.

Suddenly, we needed more space. We started looking at larger homes and this was during a period where prices were astronomical.

Stress.

The 7 year old boy was damaged and was in all kinds of therapy, including family therapy too and his behavior would continue to deteriorate.

About the same time, her adult son moved in with us to get back on his feet after a breakup in another state.

Life had totally changed in a short amount of time. I was overwhelmed.

I was very OCD about my black car, and i started getting into polishing it more often to kinda zone out. I would spend a lot of time in the garage to avoid the stresses.

(I have since addressed this by no longer purchasing black cars.)

My wife would eventually tell me that 3 distinct things broke us up in this order:

1. Playing music

2. Submarine game

3. Getting upset over small things

My adult sons would come to visit and one of them bought me a WW2 Submarine Simulation game for PC. We kinda got hooked on ot and i would zone out with ot when things got stressful with my youngest son, or life in general.

I was working a boring, dead-end job and i had a background in music professionally, which my wife and i did discuss briefly, but she didn't know i had an obsessive passion for it and i was also a workaholic.

She told me we needed a home for our larger family, so i told her i could go back into professional music very easily. We discussed it, discussed the money available and she gave me her blessings.

I got guitars out of storage and started sharpening skills. I went back into music at the 2 year point in the marriage.

In one year, i produced $57,000 surplus, unreported cash, above and beyond what it took to pay my fair share of our monthly expenses.

My credit was destroyed from the divorce, so i couldn't qualify for the loan. Since i trusted my wife completely, i simply offered to sign a quit-claim deed to streamline the purchase. I put up the down payment and my wife bought the home.

By this time, my 10 year old Son's behavior was getting worse. He ultimately attacked my wife physically (she is 5'-4" 125) and he ended up in residential behavior therapy and ultimately went back to live with his mom after her probation was complete.

My work involved very long hours away from home, but we texted and spoke by phone often. We had a family GPS plan where we could all see each other's location in real time.

I still have no password on my phone and although she has never asked to look through it, i wouldn't care because i have nothing to hide.

There was never any infidelity. There was never a porn problem. I had risqué photos and video in my phone of my wife, so that was my go to when i needed release on the road. My commitment was important to me.

My wife wanted to do more upgrades to the house, so I offered to take on a 5 night a week live band on the casino circuit. We had a 38 y/o female singer. She was white, blond with blue eyes. Despite myself being Caucasian, I could never find white women attractive. I've always been drawn to darker, ethic women, Latin, mixed-race, etc., and my wife was onboard with this.

Our band played in Socal. We were never "on the road" in bus or stayed in hotels. I had no "alone time" with our singer and i was very cautious of her because she was very aggressive sexually, not with me, but with other band members and crowd members.

Soon we had purchased a new car for my wife for cash, and did over $200,000 in landscaping, remodeling, painting, solar, and paid off all credit card debt. All this time, wife was working full-time as CPA and contributing.

The more $$$$ the band made, the harder i worked to make more. I would come home exhausted. My wife had always had lower libido than me, and we had less and less lovemaking because of my maniacal schedule. When we did, it always involved me warming her up with oral to a climax before penetration, which is just something i really enjoyed. I always felt i was a thoughtful lover.

I only know now - through recent discussions - that my wife was detaching because she felt abandoned by the music. She started insane gardening and expected me to do all kinds of things around the house on my off time.

Things like water heater replacement, ceiling fan replacement, yard work, etc, and i did complain about this and asked why we didn't hire all these things done.

My wife was always independent and kinda bossy/wayhaver-ish, but this was the first time i saw her start getting upset.

She was born in South America, very poor but with a very strong work ethic. She told me that i was lazy and expected people to serve me because i was white and i thought i was better than everyone else.

I argued that it wasn't laziness but rather i was tired, didn't have experience with some things and thought it better to hire a specialist. This really was upsetting to her, so i started doing these things, and, quite stupidly, complained the entire time, which caused more detachment.

About this time, my wife invites female singer and her kids to our home (while I'm gone) to shower because their water was turned off for repair work.

Our home was a simple 1,600 sq/ft 3/2 built in 1990, on a mountainside neighborhood. Nothing fancy, but very clean and well maintained.

When i got home that day from my daytime recording studio job, my wife was upset and wanted to talk.

Apparently, the singer complimented my wife on our home and ultimately said, "My kid's and i would love to have a cozy place like this."

My wife also alleges the singer told her "you are so lucky to have him for a husband. Every girls wants to screw him and he won't give any of them the time of day."

My wife felt like the singer was after me. I thought this was ridiculous. We argued about it some, but i never felt any attraction, but the singer did say some things that were very forward, but she did this with everyone, so i just shrugged it off.

My wife was a regular at our local shows and some rehearsals. I always sent her pics of the band all working together and most of the time, the singer's husband was in those photos too.

Example - at a rehearsal one day, the singer announced, "great time to be horny and surrounded by nothing but married guys." Everyone laughed. This was who she was. I kept my distance, but kept her onboard because her sex appeal was very good for business.

Ultimately, she screwed the married guitar player and broke the band up. My wife and is wife were chims. I found another guitar player, since we had performance contracts to fulfill, and made plans to keep playing with the singer.

My wife flipped. So, we fired the singer and pulled in a vety talented, but muc less sexy replacement.

This wasn't enough. My wife demanded i quit the band, which i did in spring 2021. As band finance guy, i lost a fortune in contract cacellation fees. The band was not an LLC.

I told my wife that she needed to "chill" because she was like a tiny Gestapo commander and this made things worse. Our income was cut by 50% and it was noticeable. It put a lot of stress on us, but the renovations were done, so i took a boring job to be home more often to work on our relationship.

Being home didn't help. She was angry because she felt that i "concealed the real you and trapped me with this wonderful husband, who then becomes distracted and abandoned me, so i still really don't know who you are. Our entire marriage is built on a lie because you concealed your OCD and music fascination. "

I was nowvhome more and trying to romance my wife, bit she said she just didn't feel sexual desire for me (or anyone) anymore, largely, i believe, becasuse she was detaching and sgutting down.

This was very hard for me because i find her wildly attractive. I had to learn to live without the physical intimacy and i did grow to resent this fact.

And its been a downward spiral ever since. None of my self-improvement was good enough to pop up on radar. I felt like i was on a relationship treadmill.

Now, no matter how much i do around the house. Its not enough and my past keeps getting dredged up almost everyday until a few days ago, when silent treatment set in.

This is kind of a forensic overview of the relationship.

Now that i feel like i am in a better place and clearly healing, Im stuck waiting for a divorce to be final that i didn't want and i even argued against it, but she insisted, so i filed it.

This also explains the catalyst for the "if i knew you were a musician i wouldn't have married you" comment.

Still 100% faithful and im very proud i was able to resist temptations. Ive accepted divorce and know i will be ok. I have a great job and a bright future.

But, im lonely. I love to talk and im not able to, really, with women because there is always this spark and i enjoy the connection i feel when i get inside a woman's head, so i gotta kinda run from this so i don't get tangked up in another relationship prematurely.