I am still trauma bonded to my ex. I've seen on my Facebook abuse forums women who are still trauma bonded a year, or even many years, after leaving their narc abuser. Ugh. It's so hard to break. The cognitive dissonance is for real. The trauma bond is for real.

I still want to think of him as having a good side, and I want to still believe that deep down he's a good guy, but he's not. But that sweet side that he shows really throws me for a loop and makes me think there is good in him.

When he was threatening to take away the 17K he had given me by threatening to take me to court, I saw his true colors come through. I was crying, begging, and pleading with him on the phone to not take me to court and to not take that money away, but he didn't care and he continued to call me all day long with threats. That's when I saw the devil in him come out again, and his mask dropped. And that's the true him, not this false facade of being a good guy.

I know it's all just an act to keep me hooked and to fool the rest of the world, but it makes me want to believe that he can change and improve. However, I've already seen the proof that he cannot change. I gave him a second chance, in fact many chances to prove himself, including a year in individual and couples therapy. That was a joke. All he did was play innocent and told the therapist that I have a mental illness. Our therapist never validated my experience of the abuse or manipulations and gaslighting.

I've got to come back to reality. Maybe the reality is too hard for me to absorb?

After witnessing him screaming at me for the 1st two years of marriage, then cheating on me, then blowing up at me again and again, gaslighting me, twisting facts, blaming me, criticizing me, demeaning me, making mean jokes at my expense, lying to my face over and over again, holding me down in bed against my will every morning, and rewriting history repeatedly, the facts are right in front of me. He did not treat me well, and it was a highly toxic and unhealthy relationship. This is the REAL HIM.

Something within me still wants to believe in him, however. It's the innocent naive part of me that refuses to accept and see reality for what it is.

There are no two sides to the narcissist. There's only the facade, the "mask", and the monster or devil inside that comes out once the mask drops and once they "have" you committed to them and "in love". It's the cycle of abuse that I've experienced first hand. He plays the role for a while until I feel comfortable again, and then he starts abusing again. Then come the apologies and the peaceful honeymoon phase for a while, then the abuse pattern just repeats itself. I know the drill. Been there, done that.

I am currently turned off by all men. I am being reclusive and very picky, though I am not dating. I am being picky about the men I choose to even be friends with.

I dropped one new male friend on Facebook after he had disappointed me over a concert. He had invited me to join him and his two female friends two or three days before the concert. Then, the day before, he decides to sell those tickets for the following night's show, so I could no longer go. I thought that was pretty rotten. He said it got complicated and messy with his two female friends. I told him that I was really disappointed and that I wouldn't do that to someone. So I unfriended him and stopped speaking to him. We had been communicating over messenger for about a month or so. I had met him through my music scene and will likely run into him again at a smaller local show.

Maybe I was being too judgmental and harsh? Maybe I wasn't being understanding enough with the complications he was facing. It was a knee jerk reaction to the whole thing, unfriending him. I cannot deal with flakes or with people flaking out on me the last minute. A girlfriend does this to me and it's maddening.

So be it, I suppose. I am learning my limits and boundaries and how to enforce those boundaries. And that should be OK. If I don't want to be friends with him anymore, that's my prerogative. I feel a smidgen of guilt - but why? Because I grew up believing and absorbing the falsehood that everyone else's needs and feelings are more important than my own. And that's the result of growing up with a narcissistic parent.

Where am I going with this post? I don't know.

I am fumbling around, learning new ways of being as I forge my way ahead single and solo in this world, meeting new people and trying to form new and healthier friendships. And I don't think many people are all that healthy, stable, or reliable, in my experience.

Yesterday I enjoyed my own company, being solo most of the day and night. I enjoyed myself. I am learning to enjoy my solitude. I am learning self care and self love, very important. And I am learning about my own standards and boundaries, also very important.

This is a learning and growing phase for me in my life. Growth and change can be painful and very difficult, but also necessary. Old patterns and habits are hard to change, I am learning.

So my ex husband? I just need to keep focusing on me, my growth, my healing and my own life's journey. Thank goodness I have a new job to focus on. Thank goodness I no longer have hours of idle time on my hands to stew and dwell on things.

I truly could use a good therapist, yet to date, I have not found an effective one, even though I've been in and out of therapy my entire life! I no longer have faith in therapists. I think they're mostly all completely messed up themselves, making therapy a waste of time and money.

UGH.