My wife presented as someone deeply devoted to monogamy, marriage, and family life for decades.

She "got me" in striking ways, at very irregular and far-between times. To face it that that was all a charade to keep me attached and to use me up is staggering. It's 25+ years.

Along with that, she weaponized affection and intimacy. Like I said, it was like living beside a bakery and being gluten free. It was constant desire and unfulfillment EXCEPT for the very rare times it was perfect.

In between all that, I endured abuse and was told it was all my fault and I deserved it.

And she walked away from all of it.... Monogamy, marriage, and family, and is using sexuality to finance her lifestyle, including paid vacations.

Yes... By a former coworker she swore she couldn't stand because he was so aggressive and had such an attitude towards women.

It's mind-blowing.

I'm grieving, I'm depressed. All the people around me since January saying, "pick up, move on, get over it, find someone else, etc" have never acknowledged the degree of pain this all causes. And fear for the future. And fear for the kids.

What, of all I've said, makes any of you think I'm living in delusion?

Have you ever lost someone and wished it was different? Wished you could do something different? Wished you had one more good experience with them? Would someone saying "suck it up and face reality" be of benefit to you during that moment?

I haven't failed in any of my responsibilities while she was here, or since she left. Not one.

Why can't I just be depressed and grieve some?

It's six months, after a lifetime of investment, and barely a day in there that I've stopped.

If you think your role is to make me face reality, you're not a realist, you're not stronger than me, you're just not empathetic.

I have a lot to do today. See you all later.