Hi, saltedmagnolias!
I could be wrong but the picture I made in my mind through the worrds you wrote, makes me take part for you.
You seem to excuse your mum for every fault she makes. It’s not right to say to your kid things like you ruined my life. No excuse for that.
No excuse for how your dad behaved either. I understand you want to be as far as possible from him.

You seem as a very competent person who screw up at times just like guided for a force of self-destruction and I’m not shocked by this due to how you were raised or what you went through.
It’s very important you don’t blame yourself for everything.
Getting a better self-esteem working with your therapist is key so you will be able to see more clearly how you want and need to be treat by others. Including your mum. I see this is as the first step. And sure you’re gonna be able to do less self-sabotage.
You deserve better and you are gonna to provide it by yourself.
Are you currently seeing a therapist? If so, how is it going?

Take care and have faith in things changing. Because you’re gonna do them change. You can, only need some kind of support by those who knows how to help you.
Anyway, we are here, too.