I'm having another episode of depression. I pull out of an episode, but the episodes keep coming. I think not having anyone in my life that I can turn to makes this problem a lot worse. I've adjusted to being alone since my sig. other died. I can tolerate being alone pretty well. But it was nice to get the occasional phone call from my two sisters who live very far from me. For two years after my bf died, the calls came regularly - like once a month. A year ago one of my sisters stopped calling. I don't know why. She had previously been a good friend. I don't whine about depression to my sisters. As the old saying goes, "Cry, and you cry alone."

I feel a sense of loss. A few days ago a relative of mine died. She was very dear to me, and we had been close. I was hoping to visit her in the fall. That might be what plunged me into this episode. It's getting so frustrating that I keep having these episodes that, at times, I feel desperate to escape. I think how can I flee from this state of mind? This pattern will stop when I'm dead. I think how much longer do I have to keep living? So I think of suicide.

I think about looking for psychiatric help. I'm convinced there's nothing any doctor or counselor can offer that would help. I tried all that stuff. Someone caring about me would make a huge difference. I called my sister last evening. Things between us just aren't like they used to be.

I can't come up with a plan for how I'm going to get these episodes to lighten up. My only escape is sleep.