I have told people, mostly in business related matters, that I have to talk to my husband about it first and will let them know. This is usually when I really want to say NO. I did it to stall with my answer instead of outright confronting them, which felt uncomfortable. Then, I’d have to eventually tell them No anyway, so idk why stalling helped me…but yeah. I’m sure I did it in personal matters, too, but not often. I never did it to a person who asked me to do something with them one on one. Maybe I did it about getting asked to an event with many people, and I really didn’t want to go, so I stalled to give myself time to think about it. But, I never left anyone hanging without an answer.

I’m sure I’ve had people do this to me, too. I can’t think of any times in particular. If this happened, they were people who were not important enough to me for me to give it much more thought whether I saw them or not. I never had it happen from people who were actual friends of mine. Those friends would not do that. They would either make the plans or have a good reason to say No, and I wouldn’t feel bad and know we would get together again. The only people who would have done this were not friends, just acquaintances. I would pick up on their cues that they are not that interested in my plans or in being my friend.

Does this happen to you often, with many people? I’m not sure why that would be the case, often, repeating scenario.

I empathize with how frustrating and upsetting it is for you. It’s a feeling of rejection. If you look at the whole picture closely, I think you will be able to stop this dynamic from happening and feel better about yourself.

Look objectively at:
What is happening that leads up to your asking them for plans?

It’s similar to an approach to how to be a good salesperson. There’s a book I can think of called something like “Getting To Yes” about how to get someone to buy something you are selling. Maybe books like that will be helpful to apply to personal relationships. I don’t know of any resources for personal relationships pertaining to this dynamic.

Actually, real friends have sometimes said they ‘need to talk to their husbands first’, and this was the actual truth. But I can sense when this is an honest truth from them. They get right back to me. They are enthusiastic in their tone about the plans. Their spouses are a part of the plans or a part of them being able to do the plans.