I've only been sleeping about 3-4 hours a night, spending money I don't have (damn Amazon), I am edgy & angry, and have been making impulsive decisions. I'm not, however, feeling especially speedy. Maybe it's just me...

As far as life issues go, the 6 month anniversary of my sister's death is a week away. She died from peritoneal cancer...which was level 4 when she was diagnosed. Due to chemo, she was able to last a year. Being on disability gave me the luxury of spending the last 4 weeks of her life with her. It was an extremely ugly way to go, but she never once complained. She had guts.

I don't know if this environmental factor can explain my other behaviors, but I can't afford to go on like this much longer...literally can't afford it. I've put myself in financial jeopardy, have made risky life choices, and have put my relationship in a bad spot because of my anger. I'm not angry at anyone specifically...I'm just angry that she's gone. She was my little sister, and my only sibling.

I have an appointment with my psych NP this morning, and an appointment with my therapist tomorrow. I've got to figure out a way to get through this. I've only been seeing my therapist about 5 times a year in the not too distant past, but have seen her weekly for the past month. That's another cost that can't be covered due to my irresponsible spending. I know no one can fix it, but keep a brother in your thoughts...