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Originally Posted by buddha1too
I've only been sleeping about 3-4 hours a night, spending money I don't have (damn Amazon), I am edgy & angry, and have been making impulsive decisions. I'm not, however, feeling especially speedy. Maybe it's just me...
As far as life issues go, the 6 month anniversary of my sister's death is a week away. She died from peritoneal cancer...which was level 4 when she was diagnosed. Due to chemo, she was able to last a year. Being on disability gave me the luxury of spending the last 4 weeks of her life with her. It was an extremely ugly way to go, but she never once complained. She had guts.
I don't know if this environmental factor can explain my other behaviors, but I can't afford to go on like this much longer...literally can't afford it. I've put myself in financial jeopardy, have made risky life choices, and have put my relationship in a bad spot because of my anger. I'm not angry at anyone specifically...I'm just angry that she's gone. She was my little sister, and my only sibling.
I have an appointment with my psych NP this morning, and an appointment with my therapist tomorrow. I've got to figure out a way to get through this. I've only been seeing my therapist about 5 times a year in the not too distant past, but have seen her weekly for the past month. That's another cost that can't be covered due to my irresponsible spending. I know no one can fix it, but keep a brother in your thoughts...
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Please stay safe, my friend! I'm sure your little sister would want you to be safe.
A couple or few weeks back you were in a better place, as I recall. Now, obviously not. For sure, the grieving process has many stages, with some backwards steps to them. Plus, having a mood disorder doesn't help. My point is that with time and support things will work out and improve. Depression is a tricky beast that convinces us otherwise. Despite your challenges, you will/can survive as long as you don't let that beast get you.
I clearly know the sadness of loss, too. I do have a sister (older), but no longer my brother and parents, grandparents, and most of my blood uncles. I do have my dear hubby, who is my best friend. I always say that I'd live with him in a trash can, if I had to. And if someday he passes, I will be devastated, but I can/would find a new place for myself. I've even planned that out a bit. A horrible task, but one my CBT therapy taught me to do.
You offer a lot to people and this world. If you don't know that, I'm telling you. Be good to yourself. You deserve it.
I don't know how much your therapy costs, or what you can afford, but if it comes to it, you may want to look at online therapy, as a last resort. I'm currently using BetterHelp. Not because of the cost (therapy is free or very low cost in Czech Republic), but because I now live far from any English-speaking one. I pay 32 Euros (US$35) per week for the online option, which is a combo of a promotional rate and rate for being on disability. Yes, they give a disability rate. I think the usual is 40 Euros. This is less than my IN-network co-pay was (with Aetna insurance) in the US, which was $40 over 2 1/2 years ago, and probably more for people now. An added benefit is that in addition to once per week video or phone appointments, you can exchange texts daily (or as desired). Perhaps not of interest, but I thought I'd share.