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I don't know how to categorize this relationship I have with my former T, but it's not the friendship I had hoped and I regret he can never be my therapist again.
About a year ago I decided to end therapy after 7 years. My main reasons being that: 1) I was tired of talking about my problems, 2) I was tired of paying and wanted to save money, and 3) I wanted to start living my life instead of waiting until I was "fixed". At the time, I expressed my deep grief at the separation and my wish that T and I would still see each other. To my joy, T felt the same way and shortly after our last session we met for lunch.
T is 20+ years older than me and married with 3 adult children. For the most part I have viewed T as a father figure and mentor, but throughout the therapy there were intense periods of erotic transference which we resolved. Still, I find his intellect sexy and think he is an attractive man. So when we first met outside of the therapy room, even though I know neither of us would EVER turn this into a sexual relationship, I felt guilty and kept thinking about his family. It's been a year of lunches and I still feel that same guilt especially because I sense he finds me attractive. Despite this, it has never gone beyond a hug when saying goodbye.
I am frustrated because it's been a year and he won't share about himself, like two people would in a real friendship. He talks about issues at work, conferences he attends, and politics but not much else. I anticipated moving our relationship into a friendship would take time for him to feel comfortable sharing, but it's been a year and no real progress. He knows so many intimate things about me that I've never shared with anyone which makes me feel too vulnerable at times. It's like he doesn't want to even the playing field. I'm starting to understand why he's a therapist. He gets to experience intense intimacy without any risk. I feel more like his colleague than a friend. It's like I'm his sounding board.
And right now I'm experiencing a particularly tough time in my life and I wish he was still my therapist. Instead, I pretend everything is okay in my life as if I was talking to an acquaintance because I don't know what the boundaries are between us. I don't know what I can discuss with him and what are "therapy things". I miss him as my T.
I have a history of attaching myself to unavailable men and I have recently realized that I have done it again with him.
I thought I was gaining a true friend, but I feel lonelier than ever.
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