Hi, I thought I would check in since I am fresh off of another couples counseling session yesterday. You are totally right on with the advantage he has during these counseling sessions. I do think some of it has to do with the way he approached this counselor and his stated goal of counseling, i.e. how do we separate vs. my stated goal. They are basically at odds but since mine favors more of the status quo to some extent I think she ends up dealing with him and his issues. This counselor is not my favorite as she began yesterday's session with how what initially attracts you to someone can end up driving you crazy about them which was completely off topic and not helpful. However, I will say, she very much challenged him on his idea that some phantom/new sexual connection will fix him or any of his problems. She said if we do separate it should not be with the goal of seeing other people, but instead for him to focus on what he feels like he never had a chance to do which is have any say in his life. On the one hand, I do get that. On the other hand, practically speaking, adults have responsibilities. He has almost come around to the idea that this "sexual connection" won't fix him, but he focuses on it because it could be a rather short term and easy fix to give him direction. He even admits it is not a good idea. So, that is a good thing. The bad thing is that he has all this angst/crisis regarding that he doesn't know what he likes, he doesn't feel like he can make anything of himself in his career and he is numb to caring about me or his kids and that is a problem that he simply does not have the wherewithal to fix right now. He says he feels shame and embarrassed like he is failing me and our family so he just wants to leave. I think in one sense it is helpful for me to understand this better, but this is a "him" problem, not a "me" problem, you know? So, that limits what I can do. My therapist has been telling me a saying, the "three C's" which is if you didn't cause it you can't change it or control it. That is very much what is going on here.


I was just thinking last night how much your advice has helped me, especially last night. My H and I were discussing his crisis and also some issues between his father and my oldest son (admittedly a very emotionally charged issue) and I inadvertently said something that pushed one of his childhood emotional buttons and he started getting angry and crossing boundaries into behavior that makes me uncomfortable, i.e. raised voices, cussing, etc. With my therapist I am really working on calling out that behavior as it happens and shutting it down. And, his first reaction when I did call it out was, "I just need to leave". So, knowing what you have said about actions speaking louder than words, I called him on it and I said, if that is what you feel like you need to do, then you should do it. Well, he had no idea what to do with that and it was really empowering for me. He ended up apologizing and I felt good about setting a boundary but even better about being able to recognize in the moment that what he is saying is not what is going to happen. So I am so grateful for your advice on that measure. It is serving me well and helping me understand the situation much better.

It is a difficult position to be in where your husband is having this crisis and only they can fix it. While our marriage is/wasn't perfect, this crisis is all about him.


I hope that you are having a good weekend. The perspective about therapy is interesting isn't it? I wonder myself how beneficial therapy is long term if the stated goal isn't to teach the person how to help themselves, you know? At some point your issues have to become your own to control and not the fault or in the hands of others. I'm sorry to hear about your DD and your DH, it is so hard to watch that isn't it? When my H makes what I think are glaring mistakes with the kids I end up coming in and trying to clean up and it is just no way to be, is it!

Anyways, thanks for always listening and your insightful tips, I have learned so much from you!