“And what I am holding onto???? The hope that he will change and come back to me a new and changed man?”
“ This. Fantasy vs reality”

If you want to do the deep dive, there are videos that delve in to this concept. I find it helpful to understand the science behind the dysfunction.

Dr. Ramani has a course on healing from narcissistic abuse that is very good and inexpensive.

I’m in a similar place as you. I am trying to focus on seeing things realistically, myself too. There is a deep aching within for things to have been what we wanted them to be. How many of those idealized wishes were actual reality? When you look at the reality, you may feel better moving forward.