Now I don't believe he thinks this is a friendship. My deep loneliness and need for a true friend, and what that would look like, made me expect things of him he wasn't aware of.

This is the only thing that has given me pause. I have always been aware when people are f--ing with my head, one of my superpowers from my childhood experiences, so I admit to wondering whether he was deliberately manipulating me by being somewhat aloof in order for me to keep coming back. I know he likes my company, enjoys our conversations and that he is attached to me too. But after all these years of therapy, I know that my go-to position is to be distrustful of everyone's motives. So, I take into consideration all the years he's been unwaveringly true and I put aside my fears and suspicions because I know he has always wanted the best for me.




I don't believe I have him on a pedestal, but I do admire him because he has an extraordinary and creative intellect. I don't see myself as T's victim at all. I am an adult who made a decision being fully aware of all the implications. I know that the majority of the mental health community sees any relationship outside of the therapy with the client as off limits and taboo, but it's a stance I disagree with. Each dyad is unique and nuanced and we can't eliminate that and make a blanket proclamation of the rightness and wrongness of certain relationships. Are there people with diminished capacity that should be protected? Of course. But for me, I am a free and autonomous human being and as such I exert my right of self-determination.


All the feedback I have gotten is very much appreciated as it has helped me see that it has been my unvoiced expectations that have caused me so much pain.