Strange session. Last week I only had one session. I usually go twice a week. So, when I went yesterday, it seemed as though it were one of those sessions when he just got back from vacation.

I told T I was having a hard time reconnecting and that I felt distant from him. I made small talk. I filled him in on all of my many doctor's appointments and the medications I am taking. I like to let him know what I am going through medically as well as psychologically and emotionally. I want him to know what I am dealing with -- it presents a more complete view of me, and then he is better equipped to take good care of me.

Then we talked about last week and how I got upset and he looked at me and said that he felt that I had something called complex ptsd because of all the neglect and abuse that went on in my childhood over a long period of time. He said that when we don't connect, and I perceive that he doesn't "get me," sometimes the exchange
inadvertently triggers me and I fall into a traumatic state. We both get upset when this happens near the end of session and I wind up leaving in a bad way. Sometimes it happens so fast neither of us know it's coming--but T said I get a look on my face that he knows. So, we agreed to sort of "check in" with my emotional state about 5 minutes before the end of session. He said that this goes against his training (which tells him that everything happens in the last few minutes) but in my case it might be a good idea to make sure I am grounded before I leave.

We talked about intimacy and the desire for our therapists to really understand us in a deep way. He said I never really learned to self soothe as a child because I simply wasn't taught or supported in this way. Then I asked him for the colored pencils and I colored while we continued. T said this was a form of self soothing and was glad to see me ask for them.

I felt really cared for and validated -- he really knew where I was coming from.

Okay, ready for the next part? I decided to tell him about a dream I had over the weekend, but was not able to look him in the eye as I told him. I just sat there coloring while speaking. I began by telling him, "This is not a sexual dream." Ummm, in the dream we were together in a bathtub and he had a big sponge with a lot of bubbles on it and he was washing my leg and showing me how to take care of it. I think this is related to some small scars I have from SI that I hate.

However, when I told him the dream I left out the part that he was in the tub with me. I just told him the rest about helping me take care of my legs.

I also told him that when he stood up his body parts were sort of bleeped out like that blurry thing on TV when they are hiding someone's identity.

He goes, "First of all I like how you started out by telling me that it was not a sexual dream. LOL I just looked up and said, "Okay I guess I was telling myelf that." (I think this new medication has left me without any filters...) Then he said, "Well, you took care of everything including making sure I didn't have sexual organs."

Oh, and we are finally going to start reading a book together. Sigh.

Maybe I'll tell him tomorrow about the part I left out!