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What can I say to her to get her to see that I’m not attacking her? I told her I’m not attacking her but she doesn’t seem to believe that.
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What you think of her--that she gaslights you, that she is passive aggressive, that she manipulates you, that she uses work or health as an excuse for everything--might very well be perceived by her, and considered to be attacks.
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none of her other friends are like this & they all understand this but me.
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It seems that you and she have different expectations as to what a friendship should be. Why do you want to be friends with her? Her understanding of friendship consistently gets you very upset.