I'm so glad if I've helped you some, you've helped me a great deal too. This week has been especially rough (end of summer always tends to be tough for a couple of reasons). Coming here and reading your posts helped me get recentered in a way that I desperately needed right now.

Wow, it sounds like a lot went down in counseling this past week for you. I hope you are feeling settled after having to process all that . What you said about how he approaches the counselor looking for guidance for what he wants, versus how you want to repair what's already there, is insightful. There is perceived power in seeking change, isn't there? It does seem like counselors tend to gravitate toward the change dynamic.

Those three C's - those are good to remember. Codependents often say "didn't cause it, can't cure it." The third C is important too!

ITA with you about having responsibilities and that it's not always realistic to set them aside. Guessing that thought process is not particularly helpful to you, since you'll be the one who's forced to pick up the slack. At least that's how it would work around here.

That's also good that the counselor seems to be challenging his want for sexual relationships outside of the marriage, rather than validating it on some level. She's right in those assessments. It seems like those relationships might be another external thing he's looking towards? All problems and solutions are outside of himself. And, yeah, what good will that do if he has no idea who he is? It's just a feel good, temporary band aid.

You hit on something very important- maybe it came up here before- about addressing issues in the moment. It sounds like you did a great job catching the manipulative threat, and calling him out on it. Where I made a lot of mistakes early on was missing the moment and then trying to go back and address it a couple hours later. If you can't catch it, and correct the course in the moment, don't try to bring it up later. With a spouse who's PA, they love the idea that they've been stuck in your head and owning your thoughts since the conversation. It becomes positive reinforcement for them. It doesn't sound like that's something you do, but thought it might be worth mentioning.

When he makes those threats now, and you call him out, do they just feel like manipulative attempts now? Somehow smaller than they were before? Of course it's always scary that they could go ahead and call your bluff in return, but unfortunately that may be a chance you have to take to stand up for yourself.

It is very sad for the kids. Sometimes dh will become angry or upset about DD not wanting to do something with him, and he can't seem to understand why. Relationships with our kids are investments that take time, not something you get on demand like from a vending machine.

When she was younger, I did run interference a little more, because it can be confusing for younger kids- but once she was old enough to understand, I stepped back and let him own more of it. That's a difficult balance that you have to figure out for your kids' sake. Sometimes I'd use a more compassionate explanation that still puts the responsibility on him- like maybe telling her 'dad isn't in a good place right now,' or 'dad seems overwhelmed, let's give him some space to figure it out.' Not demeaning, but not candy coating either, sort of basic and factual.

Over the weekend, mine was withdrawn and obviously in a bad place. He left on travel, so there may have been some anxiety he didn't want to admit to- maybe even to himself. He was stonewalling, stuck in his head and phone, doing little passive aggressive things. It's almost like a kid who doesn't know how to deal with, or express, feelings and thoughts. As for me, I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't. If I try to talk to him, he gets agro, denies problems, and turns it around on me. If I don't approach him, I'm cold and heartless. No win. Codependency work has taught me to just tell him that I'm here for him if he needs anything, and then remove myself. Back to the ball in his court. But without him being able to take responsibility for his actions, needs, and half of the marriage, it's not productive. At this point, he's not so much a husband and partner as he is an unwell (and often not very nice) friend that I look after.

Anyhow, thank you for also sharing your experiences and helping me to sort and balance my thoughts. There's a lot of comfort and strength in just remembering that I'm not alone.