I've been dealing with an ED my entire life. I remember being in elementary school, 9 years old, and already dealing with binge eating and body image issues. I had a very food strict father so I was never overweight but definitely struggled with sneaking food, binging, etc. and went up and down a bit through my teens. he was even so happy when I started going to the gym with him, despite the fact I wasn't eating and worked out two hours a day minimum. when I left for college, i was alone for the first time and had zero coping skills. I went to class, work, and just found comfort in food. I gained a lot of weight and went from 120 to 230 in less than two years.
I finally got my life together a bit more, was working, had my own apartment, going to counseling, I made a lot of progress. Ate well, worked on harm reduction, worked out every day without it being a punishment. I was finally healthy in a sense. I maintained, happy and healthy for two years. I still didn't have a great concept around my actual body and size. Even after losing 70 lbs I was still not comfortable in my own body.
sadly it's been slipping a bit more over the last 3-4 years with a spouse. at first it was just little slips. dealing with stress. I wasn't buying and cooking just for myself. and I had new stressors and routine and life really. slowly I got more lax on working out, and then after my auto immune disorders got worse I stopped completely for a while. and then my eating got more lax. stress and life kept getting to me, we moved where I don't have family near by or friends or a support system any more. my weekly counseling that really helped is gone. I left the life I had built and my career of 10 years and then covid hit. any and all coping skills went out the window really. and the upset and resentment set in if I'm honest. we moved for my spouses job, so he could work on his career and promote - and then he is gone a lot for his work. it was all too much when we first moved, to have a sense of myself gone, the shut downs, isolation, and then I really was alone. sitting in this stupid house, in this stupid small ****** town, where there is no work, or connection. we've been here for over three years now. me just floundering - I've had more jobs in the last 3 years than I had in my entire life. I worked the same job for 10 years before we moved, 12 in my career field. and cant find decent work in our rural area.
with the isolation and stress I went back to sneaking food, binging, so much emotional eating. all the hard work I put it on those 2 years to lose 70 lbs and gain muscle and get into a healthier life style just slipped away, like I feared would happen. I've now gained that back plus another 30 lbs. When I step on the scale, see myself in the mirror, have to try on clothes its a bitter angry reminder that I let so much hard work go to waste. and when I'm stress eating a bag of chips or mindlessly eating a box of mac and cheese I know I'm just adding to the pain and problem but I can't stop myself.
to be another 100 lbs overweight hurts my heart. I have tried over and over to work out, to get back into doing the things I had enjoyed and it's so hard. its painful and I'm slow and the guilt and shame. I get so angry with myself. I know what I need to do and how to do it - and yet I can't seem to.
instead I yo-yo between not eating and eating till I'm sick and trying to stay active without getting discouraged. today I did a seated lower body work out and have found a few more to do to help me get going again. I want to get healthy again - I don't want food to rule my day or life. I don't want my weight to be equated to my sense of self worth. I want to be able to do the things I enjoy and to be comfortable in my own body.

this same spouse and I dated in my early years of college when I was still very much starving myself and over exercising. he met thin, unhealthy me. he told me when I started to gain weight the first time that he didn't find it attractive. then we broke up for unrelated reasons. 5 years later when we ran back into each other I was healthy again, working out, and eating well. those words have always haunted me, hurt me deeply. and I think of them all the time. when I look in the mirror and hate what I see, does he also hate what he sees?
he doesn't take a lot of pictures of me and when he finally did he showed me 'how I looked kayaking' and it was incredibly hard to see myself. I avoid mirrors and opt for loose, comfy clothes with the tags ripped out. I have such a disconnect between me and my physical self I don't know much space I 'take up' and seeing those photos is sobering and disheartening. when I face myself in the mirror it is devastating. and then i hear those words along with everything my mom, dad, grandma, mean kids, past exs, and my spouse have said. about me, my weight, my worth, my dignity. and I find myself eating handfuls of chocolate chips while I fully disconnect and stare, not watching the tv.
I dont want this to be my life. but I'm just really struggling again. for the last few years really. I just feel so stuck. I feel unsupported.

tomorrow is another day of seated workouts that I am going to try my hardest to show up for. I have a list tomorrow for the grocery store to buy myself meal prep stuff, if I have to do this alone, I will.
the fear of failing is ever present. but I can't keep not living my life like this. my feelings about myself and my weight keep me from being social, from doing what I enjoy, from a lot of things. and my literal weight just makes every aspect of my life harder. my poor, loving, body that is carrying 100 extra lbs.

I want to believe that I can get back to a healthy place with food again. that I can get back to a healthy place with myself again. where I take care of my body because it takes care of me. It's been all of my life, almost 30 years.
I am done.