Hey again!

Has your heatwave broken? Ours is a little better at present.

Has the anxiety remained at bay? Feeling good?

Unfortunately, it will come back. It's part of life, but the more you learn about it and yourself, it will become different. You become bigger than it, and learn to handle it differently.

Right now, my anxiety is back with a vengeance. I can't recall the last time it was to this level (for about a week now). There's a lot going on right now, my head is going in circles, won't bore you with the details. Here's the catch-22 though… I'm physically and mentally exhausted, and the anxiety is the type that pulls you up out of sleep with horrible thoughts, feeling like you have a thousand pound weight on your chest and can't breathe, gasping for air. I need sleep to recover, but good sleep isn't happening, and trying to go to sleep means going where the horrible thoughts are, and startling awake with automatic panic.

But here's the other thing- this beast is familiar , so while it's uncomfortable as hell, it will likely improve in a couple of weeks. Once DD starts school, my priority will be as much downtime as is possible until the anxiety abates. Need a deep recharge of the batteries, and fortunately that usually works. This is where you can eventually get with the anxiety- having the severe anxiety crop up, but not letting it throw you off course completely, because you know it can and will ease (fingers crossed- I'll keep you posted in the coming weeks). It sucks, I'm so tired and just want to sit down in a corner and cry, but instead keep moving along, albeit slowly. I took DD to the bookstore yesterday, and it was fun even though I felt a bit like a zombie the whole time… so that sort of thing.

Anyhow…

Jumping into something completely new and different to you, like the switch, is fantastic. Dr. Weekes talked about how much the human brain loves novelty, so doing new and interesting things, or learning new skills can be helpful to both depression and anxiety. She even recommended rearranging and redecorating your home so that things were in different places. Not only does it interest our brains, but it can counteract thoughts that can be triggered by association with familiar sights/experiences.

So many of those veterans like your grandpa don't consider themselves heros, but hopefully it's okay if we do? He sounds like such a well-centered human being. There is so much power in remaining calm, isn't there? But so many people miss that, and think that drama is the way to go. Are you like him? Are you the calm in the storm? CBT helped slow my mind enough to work through problems very slowly, but strangely faster than the people running around frantically.

Oh yeah, life with someone on the cluster b spectrum isn't easy. Looking back even a long ways, I can see dh having behaviors that were sporadic and emotional, but that I couldn't understand as something like borderline until a few years ago, when other issues seem to push his emotional stability to the brink. The problem is that it happens slowly. If you aren't careful, you slowly compensate and allow things to slide until, well, you're codependent like me…

It can be wise to learn about borderlines and strong boundaries. With typical, healthy people, you can have an expectation of normal boundaries between you that are upheld from both sides. With borderlines, it's kind of like you need a little bit more fortified wall, kwim? It's up to you to hold the line and hold them accountable. For example, my DH is so prone to anger and emotional meltdowns these days, that often the only boundary that works is walking away at the first sign that he's spooling up. It's sad, but you begin to lose yourself the minute you cross that centerline in an effort to help them more than they help themselves. There are a lot of good books and YouTube videos if you're looking for some guidance. One of the big ones that comes to mind is "Stop Walking on Eggshells". It's a good overview of life with someone who's borderline, what to do and not do. My dh isn't diagnosed with borderline, but it's one of the things that sort of fits his various issues and it's been helpful to read up on it.

Speaking of YouTube videos, I've been watching a new-to-me channel recently and it made me think of you. Maybe you've even heard of this guy? Maybe he even came up on this thread already? (I'm really burnt right now…) His name is Mark Manson and he wrote a book titled "The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F***." His channel isn't for you if you're sensitive to profanity. He seems to be a long time anxiety sufferer and his videos cover similar things to what we've talked about here. He delves a lot into the workings of the human mind and human nature, and how we often do the logical thing when what we actually need to do is counterintuitive. It nests with a lot of what I've learned in anxiety and codependency work- that sometimes in trying to solve a problem you do so much that you get in your own way and become your own worst enemy. Anyway, if it sounds like that might resonate with you, you know where to find it.

How are video games going? Is your GF playing with you now? Does she enjoy it? Mario Golf is also fun. Some of the games aren't so much like golf as they are a free-for-all run to the finish line.

Yes, DD is adorable . She's going to be a HS senior next week (that milestone isn't necessarily helping my mental state). Sometimes she's a forty year old woman trapped in a seventeen year old's body, but she's still my adorable little baby . And weirdly, she still falls asleep on the couch like that sometimes, lol.

Well, that's another epically long post. One of these days I'm going to do better, I swear it!

Thinking of you and hope it's going great.