I'm so sorry it has been a rough week for you, I am glad you are hanging in there and our discourse is helping at least a little bit.
Yes, I totally feel like I have a new understanding of what is going on, although I am not sure it really changes anything except my thoughts and mental process. I do find that my H can be a bit more open on the days we have counseling and less like what I call his "zombie" mode where he is so disconnected. I did share with him that I think the therapist is a little biased but I told him I would reserve judgment for another session or two because he said if I really feel that way we should find another one. I plan on talking with my therapist about this later today but I sort of don't know where to go from here...if my H won't do anything to improve his life or feel more satisfied (or is he even capable of doing so at this point?) what can I do or should I do? I feel sort of stuck in that way but I will admit the utter panic I felt a month ago has settled so I do appreciate that. The fact that he admitted what he did about this "new sexual connection" and it just being some proxy for him to feel like a man and take charge of his life is also really helpful for me just because I knew it couldn't be right that the whole thing was only about that. However, it is still really difficult for me to hear things from him like he doesn't know why he married me or did he ever love me and things like that.
In any event, I do agree with you about the importance of catching the PA behavior in the moment or not at all. My therapist also suggested I call out the behavior at the time it occurs and make a point of that and I do think it has been helpful for me. I don't think it has improved my H's actions towards me that much but at this point it feels like that is asking a lot. I do hope to broach this issue in our couples therapy on Friday because I would like for him to take responsibility for his actions and stop being such a jerk, although I may prefer the snide comments to numb detachment. You ask a really good question about whether the threats seem like manipulation...I really can't tell. I think by nature empty threats are manipulative but it doesn't feel like to me he does it on purpose, it feels like to me he has such issues dealing with emotions and his feelings as a failure that when he makes mistakes he can't deal with it and just wants to leave. He has been that way forever, like if we have a big event or a trip planned always the day before he'll be like "I'm not going" but not in a serious way and he never follows through. I don't know what that is about but I am guessing it has something to do with his parents, like much of everything else.
That is very helpful tips about the kids. My kids tend to come to me with questions for their father so I always try to re-direct them to him. But, they will always ask me "is Daddy feeling okay" because they notice the detachment. I do suppose when they are older they will have to judge for themselves like you are saying. I like the idea of "dad seems overwhelmed" and lets give him some space.
The behavior you are describing about a child who can't express their feelings sounds so familiar. The thing that I struggle with and I'm not sure if you have too, is I wonder at what point my H has to take control of the deficits he had during childhood and overcome them. It is really hard for me because while my parents certainly were not perfect (and of course none are) I did not grow up with major issues from them and I knew/know that they love me unconditionally. Because of that, I know I can't ever really understand what my H is going through. However, back to my original question, at what point does that stop excusing the behavior? Does it ever? Is it always his parents were emotionally stunted/abusive and so is he and he can do whatever he wants because of that and it is never his fault? I struggle hard with that especially because of the external v. internal control we've previously discussed.
It sounds like you have a really good system down to tell your H that you are there for him and then remove yourself. I know the feeling of it not being a partnership and more like an unwell friend who takes their anger out on you (an easy target) and then you take care of him. The unwell part is what makes this so hard. In the end, it is hard for me to predict what is going to happen but it is nice to come here and chat with you and know that I am not alone and to take in all the advice you have to offer. I hope you are enjoying your week and hopefully experiencing some peace and calm.