Hi.

Don't know if this will help, but I think it is easy to lose perspective about oneself, especially after a break-up. This has happened to me before.

We all have little imperfections, flaws and weaknesses and things we perhaps regret or mourn and things we dread happening in the future.
I think it can be helpful sometimes to take a step back and take long view of things.

Taking the long view, I know that there have been some people in the last 100 years who have had huge imperfections, weaknesses and flaws and done terrible things. Just one example would be Adolf Hitler who caused the destruction of tens of millions of men, women and children through a campaign of genocide. Other people come to mind as well: Stalin, Mao, Pol Pot and others.

Now I know some of things you mention as negative about yourself. But I also know that you have not destroyed the lives of 10,000,000 people, or 1,000,000, or 100,000, or 10,000, or 1,000 or a 100; so taking the long view and trying to keep things in perspective, I think you are far, far, far, far, far, far, far, far away from being someone like Hitler. So please do not be too hard on yourself.

I mention this because we all have a tendency to feel guilty about things and even mentally beat ourselves up over things. But most human weaknesses, more human flaws, most human mistakes do not result in the destruction of millions of people. Therefore I think it helps to step back and not be so hard on ourselves. Exercise moderation, so to speak.

A girl I knew who suffered a romantic rejection and some poor grades in school told me that she was a terrible person, so I tried to give her some perspective on what "terrible" really is.

Concerning the future, I, of course, have no way of knowing your future. But I very serious doubt whether you are going to become someone like Hitler or Stalin. So perhaps it might be helpful to you in some way to set some boundaries on your anxiety if you are able.

Taking things one step at a time, like you mentioned, is a great idea..

Sometimes the greatest things a human can do are not related to economics and relationships. We are not infinite, all-powerful, all-knowing, all-perfect beings. We have little three- pound brains and they do the best they can for us. And they work for us even when we are sleeping. So I don't know if it is good idea to beat one's brain up over things, metaphorically speaking.

Its not like our brain wakes up some morning and says to itself: Today I plan on making a horrible mistake. Generally our brains are always doing their best for us given everything influencing them.

One thing, I think, one can do regardless of one's circumstances is to do a little good in the world. It doesn't have to be some newsworthy feat of heroism. One can give some breadcrumbs to some hungry ants or feed some birds. I know a homeless lady who gives some of the money she begs to charity. Sometimes a little act of goodness is greater than all the worldly success in the world.

You may not have thought about it, but you posting your story will help all the people that follow these Forums. Many will be made to feel not so alone with their own personal distress. And that is a great thing. Lighting a little candle in the darkness sometimes even saves a person's life. But even helping one person to get through another day by sharing your true story is a kind of noble heroism in itself. So I am glad you shared your story.

I did not have a happy relationship with someone until I was in my mid 40s, so life has good surprises and not just bad ones.

These little boxes psychologists places people in, I am not so sure how helpful that always is. A concept should be a window not a box. I know a lot of concepts formerly used by moralists have now been taken over by the social sciences and given technical names. I think it remains to be seen how productive that will turn out to be in the long run.

A label is always a simplification of a deep, rich and complex reality. A label is like a map of a forest. It has its uses but it is not the forest itself. The forest is almost infinitely greater than any map: whether it is a trail map, geological map, topographical map, tourist map, botony map and so on.

In your first post you mentioned that you are this and that according to the jargon of psychology. No disrespect to psychology but I would take all that with a grain of salt. You are so much more than anything a label could put in a box. You would burst the box apart and some labels are actually an impoverishment of reality, simple to the point of misrepresentation.

A lot of us were taught from childhood that we could only really love ourselves if someone else did. When someone loves us, it gives us permission to love ourselves. Being rejected for whatever reason can make us feel a strange kind of alone, a guilty kind of alone, a scary kind of alone. Hopefully you will be able bounce back from your loss. It can take time.

Maybe I am wrong about everything I have written here. I am often wrong about things.

I wish I knew what to say to help you as you move forward, but sadly I am at a loss. Hopefully others here will have better words for you today than my poor words.

I am rooting for you!