@ttmah

I am so very sorry you are suffering.

Since I am afflicted with an Eating Disorder, I can definitely identify with you.

I am helped a bit by the discoveries that have been made in the neurobiology of Eating Disorders.

Philosophers from thousands of year ago realized that human freedom is not infinite. It is often constricted and beset by obstacles not of its own choosing. We don't get to pick our parents and our genetics or our upbringing. We are often hedged in by the freedom of others.

Some people have compared human freedom to an underground spring that it is trying to reach the surface.

On its way upward it encounters things like gravity and obstacles like rocks and boulders and it sometimes doesn't come out in a straight line but only after many changes of direction on its way up.

Of course, if we were infinite beings, whatever we willed would simply come to pass.

We have freedom of choice, but it is limited not infinite. And will-power sadly cannot make it infinite although it can contribute to our freedom.

One of the obstacles not to our freedom but to our FULL freedom is brain pathology.

We learn day by day that the brain is not exempt from getting sick. It can suffer loss of volume, mass and density through abnormal atrophy, for example, when exposed excessively to the stress hormones.

Some people can be genetically predisposed to greater damage.

Through the marvels of medical imaging, it is possible now to see pathological changes in brain anatomy and physiology unrelated to normal brain aging.

When the brain is damaged it exerts powerful forces on a person.

The part of us that observes these things can put up resistance. But since we are not all-powerful infinite beings, even our resistance can encounter mighty obstacles and we win and lose battles. And even when we win we are sometimes scarred by the battles we wage.

Humans do not have to spend all their waking hours in a search for food or to avoid predators. We have time to set before us ideals. We aspire to ideals. And we constantly compare ourselves to our ideals and how we become closer or farther away from them. This can make us demoralized at times.

Society gives us values too. Society has ideal images of what a human should be and those often include one's weight. Sometimes these are aesthetic ideals, sometimes ideals for optimum health of the body.

People with rather simple views of human freedom can blame us or shun us based on our body weight. Usually this is unfair not only to us but also to the idea of fairness itself.

People who do not limp along with brain damage are not in a position to judge those who do.

The unfairness can extend to the issue of will-power and discipline. No one would scold a paraplegic for failing to climb Mr. Everest. But shaming or even secretly blaming people with weight problems is very common. Unfair, yes, but very common.

What reduces full freedom of will reduces responsibility. That is something that is even enshrounded in most legal systems. We have concepts such as "diminished freedom" and "diminished responsibility."

We know that people are free but the wise know that human freedom is not infinite in power or scope.

The fact that you struggle to maintain your moral ideals is heroic. It is not surprising that you sometimes fail at this. Me too.

Our brain's sometimes have a mind of their own. The priorities of our brain don't always match the priorities we set by way of ideals. And we can get internally conflicted.

One thing that can diminish responsibility is something called "contrary wishes." The famous example of this is the sea captain who is promised a large reward for bringing his cargo to port.

During the voyage, a strong storm comes and to save the ship and the people on it, the captain must throw the cargo into the sea.

Does he "wish" to do this? Yes and no. His wishes are divided. He may lose his money and business if he discards his cargo. But people may lose their lives if he doesn't.

So he prioritizes values and makes his choice. The fact that he doesn't really want to throw away his cargo shows that his freedom and responsibility are limited and not infinite.

I think it is important for people struggling with weight issues to try to realize that their freedom is not infinite. This is a very important insight. It can help them avoid beating themselves up over things that are not completely under their control.

I think it is also important to see things in perspective. There are "degrees" of falling short of ideals.

Falling short of not getting all A's in school is quite different than what Hitler did when he ordered the execution of tens of millions of people.

There are small failures, larger failures and HUGE failures. But sometimes people with eating disorders beat themselves up as though they had committed mass genocide.

So I try in my own life to keep my successes and failures in perspective. This applies to my weight issues too.

Now maybe I am wrong about some of this or even all of it. I am often wrong about things. But this is how I try to keep moderation and sanity in my striving to attain weight goals and so forth.

While it is not true that we always do the best we can, I think it is usually true that we do the best we can, given everything influencing us moment to moment.

Hopefully others here will have better words for you than my poor words. I am sorry that you are suffering. There is a unique but painful suffering that sadly goes with eating disorders and the battle against them.

I hope you will not lose hope. The fact that you struggle is proof to me of your worth and dignity as a human being, as someone who dares to strive for ideals that are very difficult to achieve. These struggles are some of the most heroic things that human beings do. And so I admire you.

Wish I knew what to say to help you, but I can only share what helps me. My heart goes out to you!