What a sad club to belong to, huh?

A few weeks ago, I saw a sad statistic about marriage that's not talked about much: it's not that 56% of marriages end in divorce, it's that 20% of the remaining marriages aren't happy, but stay together despite that- whether the reasons are financial, kids, health, cultural, etc. This is probably where I am currently, and trying to make sense of it. It's a shameful place to live. In a marriage, you're supposed to be happy, pretend that you're happy, or get out. You can't be honest or respected in that space between, and yet plenty of people are currently living in it and trying to figure out what to do.

Btw- willing to bet that the 24% of marriages that are happy long term would cite things like respect and maturity as cornerstones of their relationships. Maybe not even list love as a top priority.

I plan on talking with my therapist about this later today but I sort of don't know where to go from here...if my H won't do anything to improve his life or feel more satisfied (or is he even capable of doing so at this point?) what can I do or should I do?

Did your therapist have ideas for you?

If you're not in a place where you can or want to leave the marriage, then maybe the best answer is to just focus on yourself? The only thing you have control over is you. If your dh isn't upholding his end of the marriage, your time may be better spent improving and nurturing yourself. He may note if you're bettering yourself, and then start trying to gravitate back towards you too- even if it's only out of worry that you might leave him behind.

My dh is obviously not in a good place for himself, even he can admit this at times, but will bring up relationship issues as though I'm the only one responsible for bridging the gap. The response I give for this is that I'm regaining and rebuilding myself as an individual at present. He needs to do the same. Become the best person he can be, and when we're both in better places, we see how we mesh. And it's true, as the only way it's going to improve is if he actually gets better and begins to do some of the heavy lifting; taking responsibility for things he's done to damage relationships, and consistently behaving in ways that are becoming of a healthy adult.

Unfortunately, like yours, it seems he may be in a place where he's actually unable to do that, and who knows if he'll ever find that place? Whether neurological damage, depression, some other physical illness, or personality disorder, it's beyond my control to make it what it needs to be on his end.

If he isn't able to work on himself in a meaningful way, this is where you have to figure out how to best care for yourself and make decisions that make the most sense for you- whether staying put or not — and it's important to remember that you have a right to change your mind about what you're doing at any time.

like if we have a big event or a trip planned always the day before he'll be like "I'm not going" but not in a serious way and he never follows through. I don't know what that is about but I am guessing it has something to do with his parents, like much of everything else.

It's really eerie that you wrote this because dh and I recently talked about this exact thing. Dh's mother (who acts very chaotically borderline) does this all the time. She absolutely freaks out about going anywhere, and puts those around her through the wringer for a day or two before the event. Then at the last minute, she pulls it together and is fine. Recently, on the day dh got his test results and was a bit depressed, but agreeable, he talked about feeling the same way and not understanding why. He hasn't acted out the same way she does, but he suddenly seems to be able to relate to that particular behavior, and was trying to understand why. (For the record, he's more likely to do something PA, or downright thoughtless, after we're already on the trip)

at what point does that stop excusing the behavior? Does it ever? Is it always his parents were emotionally stunted/abusive and so is he and he can do whatever he wants because of that and it is never his fault?

That doesn't ever excuse the behavior. He's an adult. What he went through is not his fault, but at this point, the aftermath is his responsibility. No matter what he went through, it doesn't give him a license to mistreat the people around him, or to behave like a child, or to skip out on responsibilities. That's the purpose of boundaries on our part- to make it clear that those certain behaviors aren't ones that we'll allow to affect us.

Here's an example that comes to mind, it may have already been posted on this thread, but will put it up again, because it might be relevant: the last few years, dh would have epic meltdowns every few months, shut himself in the bedroom, and go to bed for the day. They were often because of very minimal things. Early on, I'd try to reason with him, cajole him into a better place so we might all get on with our day in a positive way as a family. One of the last times he did it, DD said with disgust, "if he wants to have a tantrum like a toddler, let him have a timeout like a toddler." We ignored him for the rest of the day and let him stay locked in the room without attention. He hasn't done it again since. After that, it looks like the tantrums were just for the sake of control and attention. That's not to say he won't try again at some point, but… if he resorts to childish behaviors, you can treat them very much the same way you would with a kid- ignore the bad, reinforce the good.

Maybe he honestly can't process things like a typical person, or control his impulses or emotions, but you can insulate yourself (and the kids) from it and decide how much you want to let it affect you- and he can decide if your price is too high. If it is, he will adjust. Human beings will do what works for them to get the results they want. If the desired results aren't forthcoming, they generally won't do that particular thing. Whether he does it consciously, or with any real awareness, might not matter as much as you think.

Well this one got long. Lots to say, I suppose.

Here's a hug for you. Hope you are doing okay