I think the most disturbing part of the dream was to have my mother automatically assume, without even hearing my side of things, that I was guilty. Since it's true, I do know better than to take things from other people--why would I? To be so misunderstood by the one person in my life who should have known me best, I believe, was worse than losing all the money I had worked so hard for. In real life, the fact is that nothing I ever do will be good enough for my mother. Although she may say--even insist--that she's proud of me and loves me unconditionally, in reality she does not, has never, and never will. She loves motherhood. She loves some idealized version of me that she created in her head, and wants to make me conform to. But she does not love me, as I am.

I think it's safe to say no choice I have ever made in my adult life has been the right one. Get a job, and that's nice dear, but the work is so menial and the pay is so low. You could find a much better job if you'd only try. Start looking for a higher level position, and they're never going to hire me, because I don't have a professional enough persona. Rent an apartment, and it's stupid to pour so much money into rent when there are other places out there going for so much less. Move to a cheaper place, and now the neighborhood is so unsafe! Why would I want to live there? Have a boyfriend and want to get married, and I'm going to be miserable, because that man is not good for me. But then if I want to end the relationship, I should try to make it work, and maybe he treated me that way because of some flaw of mine. See? I never make the right choice, even if it's the choice she told me I should make to begin with!

I mean, I could single-handedly find a cure for cancer, and she'd only say, "That's nice, but you need to lose weight."

It's not the first dream I've had of being a teenager again and having her believe I've done something wrong when I haven't.