Since mid-June, I keep falling into depression. I recently recovered from a bad episode and was doing real well. I had several very good days. But that was all. Then I started slipping, and now I'm down.

So this is a good two months now that I can't maintain being well for more than a short period of maybe a week, if I'm lucky. This is becoming excruciating.

Over the years, I went for every kind of help there is. I was on just about every psych med. There's no point redoing stuff that didn't work before. I tried stuff repeatedly.

I wish I could talk to someone about it. I don't want to bother family. My primary provider never takes me seriously. It's very hard to get referred for counseling in the system I'm in for healthcare. I can't afford to just pay for it privately. I used to do that. I spent plenty on that.

I think of what was said to me in the past. I called a sister one time - years ago. She said, "It sounds like you need professional help, and I'm not a professional." That was the end of that conversation. I called a different sister once, who said, "Use your coping skills." She added, "Go out for dinner, and go shop for a new book." Those calls were years ago. I don't bother them at all about me being depressed. There is so much stigma. People say, "Well, I've got plenty of things I could get depressed about, but I don't let myself." Once someone has told you that, you know it's no good talking with them.

I see no way out of this, except just eventually getting better for a few days, only to lapse back into this.