It all feels almost completely hopeless for me. And you all know this.

It's either the streets with fentanyl, or the psych ward.

I'll try though. Be determined, improve myself, give myself compassion and acceptance. To be grateful for what I have now. It was just really really painful, going through what happened.

And I let it happen. I did it to myself.

I think it was cuz my "best friend" beat me up (When I was 4-7) like 20x times (For being "Too annoying" or something). He'd always then say "I'm not your friend anymore", and then knock on my door, and say he's my friend again. By the 20th or so time, he knocked on my door, and I said "No - I'm not your friend" (But my mom said that I was being silly, and pushed me out the door) - Then we got into a fight.

Eventually, I started kicking his ribs, and that was the end of it. We were friends on FB, but I mentioned what happened in the psych ward (With the crack cocaine incident), and he de friended me. Same old thing. Hasn't changed.