Yes. I certainly could find worthwhile things to do. I hoped that my last interval of being ok would be an opportunity to look around and find some opportunity. There must be opportunity out there. But my good spell only lasted a few days. Since the 2nd week of June, these tailspins been coming in quick succession - one right after the other, with just a short string of good days in between. I barely get up on my feet, and the mental tornado comes at me again.

Right now I can't keep from sobbing for long. I make no noise. I long ago learned how to cry hysterically without making any noise. If I let the sound out, neighbors would call the cops. Mountains of tissues from wiping my nose. I can stop for a little while.

Maybe, if I can just get out of the house and walk around. Maybe drive toward some nice scenery.

I have beer and wine and liquor in the kitchen, but I don't even think of having any of that stuff. I never get drunk anymore. Many years ago I would sometimes do that, if I got in a desperate state. Then I'ld be sick as a dog. Then I'ld feel better. It never became a reliable habit. There's no escape for me. What helps is being with others. Right now there is no one.

Three years ago, a month after my bf died, I was hospitalized in a psych facility for a week. I discovered that I was alright as long as I was conversing with others. So I went against my reticent nature and tried to socialize with everyone and anyone. People were very friendly. Staff were talking to me a lot . . . mostly about their problems on the job. Other patients were friendly. I didn't talk much about myself. Nobody wants to hear whining, so I kept a lid on that. That's why I know my problem now is being alone.

If I venture out anywhere, I'll be a stranger. There's no one I can call.

I managed to get from the bedroom to the living room. It took a few attempts before I could stay put in my chair, without wanting to go back to bed. Now, if I can just leave the house.

Usually, I tell myself that I'll get over this because I always do. But to recover just to relapse soon after has me shell shocked. I bought some THC edibles for the first time. They helped me get to sleep last night. My only escape is to be asleep.

I saw a bible group on the calendar at the community center. I would like to try that. I have to make a plan - a schedule of things I'm going to do. If I just could talk about it with someone who could encourage me. I have the expectation that, wherever I go, no one will like me or want to talk to me. So I stay home by myself, where I am losing my mind.