Is this related to grief around your friend's death? If so, it's common for a death by suicide to leave survivors with complicated grief- which can be harder to move through than uncomplicated grief. Particularly with suicide- there can be a lot of shame, anger, guilt, and confusion around the death. Having lost my 30 year old brother to an especially traumatic death by suicide (traumatic for both him and for those of us left with him in the aftermath) I can relate to the complicated and horrible myriad of feelings.

It's not easy to articulate these feelings to anyone- even a trusted therapist. It's just a really, really difficult topic. I still don't know how to discuss it with anyone other than my therapist. My experience is that most people, no matter how well meaning, just can't hold it or even face it. Despite their sympathy or compassion, it's incredibly hard for most people to sit with the facts of it or to witness my true feelings and experience. I also have a lot of anger related to abuse and neglect that my brother and I experienced (which contributed to his mental illness and ultimately his death). But even without that extra layer I would still feel the need to protect others from this. To protect them from me. From him. From the story. From the feelings.

You're not alone in that instinct to shield others from your anger or pain.

All I can say is that your therapist is very likely trained, skilled, willing, and able to handle your anger (and any other feelings accompanying your grief). So hopefully you can trust in that. Trust in her. She is there to help you process the complicated feelings. She's truly the one person you don't have to protect! Vulnerability is hard but it's the only path to healing. Best of luck in this difficult journey. Hugs.