I have been reading a book on tales of psychotherapy and all of the people were revealing their intimate secrets within a short time frame and it appeared quite naturally. The books written by a therapist and he was adding his thoughts and feelings into the mix and some of them were quite cold I felt.

Of course this played on my mind and I feel that though I've gone in to T and "told" of things that have happened to me in my life, I haven' told T of my intense feelings around her and me and infact many times I feel as If I have no tongue and there are I feel a lot of silences.

Sooooooo I emailed T last night telling her about the book I read, about how it seems more talking freely by me is needed and the thought of doing that is like asking me to jump of a plane...that I dont know if I can tolerate being "caught out" by free association nor can I really reveal everything that is in my head freely like the cases in the book seem to have done...I'm waiting for a reply, she always replys and I wrote that late last night...

SOooooo I got to bed feeling slightly less neurotic for having got those worries of my mind and I have this dream...I dream I think I am living with T, not sure really because theres also a hanging feeling that I am just visiting and she has this chest freezer in the hall, where I have my old freezer...when I'm with her we make love, she starts by opening the freezer and when she opens that the dream immediately goes to her giving me oral sex, the going into the freezer excites me because I know thats where my virgina is....then this great sex repeats and then I have gone shopping for the ice cream and I rush upstairs where T is in bed, perhaps here I have a fague feeling its my mum up in bed but not to clear on that, then I am so pleased with myself because I got the ice cream and I've put them in the freezer this time and I want T to be really pleased with me, but theres not much feeling coming from her over this, then I begin to realise what the freezer really signifys, the pleasure I get from this freezer, and then I begin to realise that T is a woman that has been automatically giving me oral sex as if shes use to it, done it before and I realise then that shes been playing the role of a man and I hadn't realised this before, then I want to think about all the things my husband does but think of T doing them and how excited it feels to be doing this with a woman, that theres a really wonderful knowing that only 2 women could give each other, that compared to a man this seems so much more and then I realise T's being doing all the pleasing and perhaps she wonders why I haven't done this to her? At this point I feel inexperienced and an amature compared to her and I think about how does one give another woman oral sex? and suddenly I wake up and T seems to morph back to the position she really holds, that of my T and I ache for a sure while for the loss of the closeness I felt in the dream...

I am going to tell T about this on friday!! Perhaps reading that book has helped me find the courage to be more open and to know that a sexual dream doesn't always indicate sex...