It’s hard to say something because your fears and feelings are incontestable and nothing I can tell you will be of any help.
I only can tell you that I understand you and that I’m sorry for the bullying you suffered. Unluckily this world, has people who are pretty stupid as to paying their frustrations with others.

Does at least this forum help you a little? The chance to talk to other people who are also struggling? Is your therapy helping you somehow?

You mention focussing on the now. I guess you heard about the practice of mindfulness. It helped me to embrace and accept whatever is going on.
I don’t know if you are familiarised with it.

Let me know if you feel like. I would be ready to give you some clues about it.
Count with me.

((((HUGS))))