What is very important to understand about this is that seeking external validation gives too much power to others who often don’t deserve to have that power and instead can really mislead and hurt you.

Kinda like polishing that black car that requires constant cleaning because black shows all the dust and dirt. You realized how it was too much work and too time consuming.

From what you shared of your wife, not ex yet, she was much too damaged to recognize and value the relationship she had with you. It’s not an effort to fault her but more of seeing a person that was not successful in attaining a safe relationship with her ex who turned out to be a pedophile and very narcissistic. She doesn’t know how to heal from that. She is not and has not been in a place mentally to see your value. And her anger and grief at times was taken out on you and that is where her mean statements toward you are coming from.