Increasingly, I wish I could run away. I feel embarrassed a lot, and ashamed. I know it's my issue to work out. I just wish it was easier. Knowing what I should do doesn't make me do it. I often use the excuse that it's like I'm a magnet and everything I should be doing is another magnet of the same pole. I don't want to get to the point of "disciplining myself", so to speak. In the past, when in a mixed state I would slap myself across the face or even bang my head against the wall, literally. An irrational act. It never did any good. I know that people around me see that something is amiss with me. Of course I am sad about that, but do not blame them. It is a reality.

My psychiatrist said that if I need a major medication change that it would need to be done in a hospital. My therapist even asked me if I think I might need hospitalization. I don't think I'm to that point, plus I would be mortified to have to go. I'd be there all alone, not understanding. Alone. That itself, I think, could trigger a worsening of my situation. It might not be what hospitalizations occasionally seemed in the US. A reprieve or escape, of sorts.

I'm glad I have the therapist. He and I will work more on the grieving process.