i don't feel that way.

the only problem that i have is that i can't believe that people care about me. that i think all the people in my life are lying to me all the time. that my family will leave me any time. sometimes when i'm waiting for them at the train station, i think they will not come because they've decided to kick me out without telling me.

that my only friend doesn't really care about me. that my boyfriend is with me just because he wants to do a good deed. i don't believe he loves me - he's just waiting for something better to come along.

you told me once i made you smile, we both know damn well i didn't

on some days i feel like i'm at the top of the world, like i could conquer everything and i don't need these people who are lying to me and are there just to be "good people doing good things to miserable people" - but it's true - i don't need people who don't want to understand me.

now i think that i feel & act this way because my therapist told me i sounded psychotic. she also found out that i quit risperdal and now i have to take it again. i just won't take it, however, it makes me feel bad, all i do is sleep and every time i try to get up in the day time i feel bad. i took 4,5 mg the other day and spent yesterday in bed mostly.

-sigh-

if all antipsychotics make you feel this way nothing will help me. i realise i might need to take one to make the paranoia get better. i don't know. i don't want to accept that i need to take an antipsychotic. i was doing so well in april and may. i only screwed school up. everything else was ok.

my situation is not even as bad as it was last winter. i'm not hallucinating.. except for a few insects. but i was tired. it was 4 in the morning and i had deprived myself of sleep for 32 hours. no wonder i was seeing them.

and now i feel that the people who should want the best for me don't want me to feel - they don't want me to be manic or anything. it's my gift from god. something that nobody can take away from me... and i will proceed reaching for that goal if it is to come..

it is, still, all that i have. if i don't have my boyfriend, and it seems that i wont have him in my life for long, i will only have mania. the only thing that makes me proud of me. the only time in my life when i feel worthy in my eyes, that i am not a complete piece of ****.

why is this so hard? i don't even know what's wrong. i'm torn between halos and horns. :-( (heck my keyboard wanted me to type a smiley face - crazy keyboard)

katie